STILL no baby. I’m not due for 5 more days, but for some reason I just thought I’d have her early…its kind of discouraging because some people I know that were pregnant around the time I was have already had their babies or seem to be moving along much faster than me. I mean, one girl had her baby 9 weeks early and I wouldn’t want that or anything, I’m just ready for her to be here & the fact that I’m not even having any contractions yet is just a little discouraging. I’m scared I’m going to have to be induced and if that’s the case then I would probably accept some of the pain management since it wouldn’t be natural anymore anyway. Oh well, I’m tired of talking about that. Its making me mad bc theres nothing I can do about it.

What I really wanted to vent about was how disgusting my house is! I’m living with my parents in what has the potential to be a very beautiful home. They’ve had it for about 23 years now I think and have remodeled several things, built additions etc. As far as keeping it clean, YUCK!! We have 2 cats and 2 dogs living in the house. They are all house trained and the cats litter boxes are in the basement, so none of that like gross animal smell, although sometimes when the dogs come in from outside I can kind of smell the dander, but the air fresheners take care of that. Its just clutter! clutter drives  me insane!!! I hate magazines/ mail on the kitchen table, dishes in the sink (After every dish I use, I rinse it, and put it in the dishwasher.) When my mother feeds the dogs of an evening she leaves the empty cans in the sink instead of just rinsing them right then & there & putting them in the recycling bin. What is so hard about that??!!! My sister is away at school, so its not any of her stuff. I have my purse down on the main floor and 1 pair of flip flops that I wear all the time if I have to go out somewhere. We have a rec room with a couch, tv, & 2 lazy boy chairs that is right next to the laundry room and alllllll of the clothes that have been washed get moved into the rec room and take up home in one of the chairs until someone folds them and puts them into baskets, which are also in the rec room. Why can’t the laundry stay in the laundry room??!?!! I know when my sister & I were younger, we did absolutely nothing around the house and really I’ve just started helping out more (as selfish & childish as that sounds, I was never asked or forced, or expected to do anything, so I didn’t) I hate that the kitchen counters are just covered in stuff that I would prefer to be in cabinets..ugh I really appreciate my parents allowing Marleigh & I to live here, but gosh I can’t wait to have my own place.

 

Back to cleaning…hopefully that will bring baby out

Just a few weeks left. I haven’t been keeping up with my xanga much because honestly every time I’m here I see my previous posts and how tiny I was..etc, so I just keep my own journal and more- or – less avoid this one. No worries, I’ll be back soon. I have just 4 weeks left until little Marleigh Jade is due. It seemed like this time would never get here..but boy, the clock sure does tick slow when you’re actually aware of everything around you..Unlike my previous life just racing at the speed of life from one day to the next, sometimes leaving entire days and weeks behind.

Its too late to turn back now, but to be honest I’m still not sure what I think about everything. The depression have been kind of thick lately, I think its just because I’m so close, but still can’t quite see the finish line. I’m really getting tired of not feeling good. Constant indigestion, every bone in my body being sore, not feeling pretty (Although, a few days ago my friend had a baby shower and I straightened my hair & put on some make up and kinda felt nice. I can’t believe how long my hair has gotten, I always wear it pulled back in a gross matted bun on top of my head because I don’t go anywhere, so no use doing it right?)

I get tired of being alone all day. But its going to be this way until at least January, well, minus Marleigh of course. Its starting to remind me of those days where I didn’t talk to a single soul, not even a text message, email, nothing. I’ve got to get out of this rut before I let it take me over. My mother’s house is a disaster..That doesn’t help either. Mine & baby’s room is spotless. Since I’m no longer working or really doing anything at all I know I should help out. And I do. But with 3 other people living here, I don’t feel that it should be my whole responsibility to keep this house clean. When I do clean, no one ever says anything about it, so I’m not sure if they even notice, then they just go about their business, leaving their stuff on the tables, not picking up their shoes, not putting their dirty dishes in the diswasher, nothing. I wouldn’t mind doing the dishes every day/every other day if people would just rise them after they’re done and walk less than a foot to put them in the dishwasher…not that hard. If you come home from work with papers or something, don’t leave them on the counter, just take them to your room or put them where they need to go…its not that hard…

I can’t wait until I don’t have to rely on anyone anymore. But as for now I’m not going to waste savings to move into a shitty 1 bedroom apartment in an unsafe neighborhood (that’s all I’d be able to afford) just so that I can escape this disaster. I’d be even more alone there.