Just a few weeks left. I haven’t been keeping up with my xanga much because honestly every time I’m here I see my previous posts and how tiny I was..etc, so I just keep my own journal and more- or – less avoid this one. No worries, I’ll be back soon. I have just 4 weeks left until little Marleigh Jade is due. It seemed like this time would never get here..but boy, the clock sure does tick slow when you’re actually aware of everything around you..Unlike my previous life just racing at the speed of life from one day to the next, sometimes leaving entire days and weeks behind.
Its too late to turn back now, but to be honest I’m still not sure what I think about everything. The depression have been kind of thick lately, I think its just because I’m so close, but still can’t quite see the finish line. I’m really getting tired of not feeling good. Constant indigestion, every bone in my body being sore, not feeling pretty (Although, a few days ago my friend had a baby shower and I straightened my hair & put on some make up and kinda felt nice. I can’t believe how long my hair has gotten, I always wear it pulled back in a gross matted bun on top of my head because I don’t go anywhere, so no use doing it right?)
I get tired of being alone all day. But its going to be this way until at least January, well, minus Marleigh of course. Its starting to remind me of those days where I didn’t talk to a single soul, not even a text message, email, nothing. I’ve got to get out of this rut before I let it take me over. My mother’s house is a disaster..That doesn’t help either. Mine & baby’s room is spotless. Since I’m no longer working or really doing anything at all I know I should help out. And I do. But with 3 other people living here, I don’t feel that it should be my whole responsibility to keep this house clean. When I do clean, no one ever says anything about it, so I’m not sure if they even notice, then they just go about their business, leaving their stuff on the tables, not picking up their shoes, not putting their dirty dishes in the diswasher, nothing. I wouldn’t mind doing the dishes every day/every other day if people would just rise them after they’re done and walk less than a foot to put them in the dishwasher…not that hard. If you come home from work with papers or something, don’t leave them on the counter, just take them to your room or put them where they need to go…its not that hard…
I can’t wait until I don’t have to rely on anyone anymore. But as for now I’m not going to waste savings to move into a shitty 1 bedroom apartment in an unsafe neighborhood (that’s all I’d be able to afford) just so that I can escape this disaster. I’d be even more alone there.