Tons of mixed emotions today. I think its the weather. Its starting to cool down summer is making its departure to allow for the colors of fall to begin evolving. It rained pretty much all day & was just kind of grey. Days like that seem to get me down.
Where did I go wrong? When did all of this start? and why? I think I will look into seeing a therapist after Jade is born. It would be a very good idea, I’m just not sure I can afford one. I don’t want her to be like me. The tears have been off & on all day today for so many reasons. I felt more alone today that I’ve felt in a very long time. It was almost back to those days where I would be in a room full of people and still feel like I was the only one for miles around. I know for a fact that being completely sober throughout this pregnancy has turned my life completely around, but I still feel it. I still feel the urge. I do not even enjoy the feeling of being drunk or high or f*cked up. I don’t think I ever really have, but for some reason that demon is lurking in the back of my mind and I cannot get rid of her!
Of the many tears shed today, I hate to say that some of them were over Sean. But this time I don’t think it was because I think he should be here and not so much because I think about Jade growing up without him in her life at all, but more because I can finally see through the facade that covered him and I just now realize how terribly immature he is. That is almost a childish way of putting it, but I really can’t think of another word better suited. I do not miss his disgusting drunkness or his “Fuck’em” attitude that he has towards EVERYONE. I’m not saying that you have to like everyone, but you are almost 26 years old, I’d say its time to grow up and at least be respectful. I do not miss his pitty parties that he through for himself on a daily basis and I do not miss his ignorance..So why the tears? Perhaps because it took me this long, plus 9 months of carrying his child to realize it.
You ask “Have you ever tried cocaine?” I promised I wouldn’t lie. Why did it have to be a yes or no question? Finally I answer “Yes.” Your next question is if I’ve ever tired anything harder? My first thought to respond with was ‘Like what?’ quickly catching myself I realize that if I actually have to ask, then the answer is most likely “Yes.” My thoughts take me away on a journey with several flashbacks of different bathroom stalls, secret places at work where the cameras couldn’t see, houses and bedrooms of strangers that make me ill to even think about. How did this start? When did I decide that I was so lonely that I would grab any outstretched hand that was offering to hold me? Those hands didn’t hold me, didn’t comfort me, they suffocated my soul and ripped the years right out of my chest. Three years, gone. Completely destroyed. Now I am salvaging anything and everything I can after the disaster that turned my cookie cutter fairy tale life into one of those desolate, out-west, towns that had been wiped clear by a tornado. I find pieces that were once me and I slowly begin placing them, the best I can, back to where they rightfully belong. But there are scars. There are cracks, and there are still so many missing pieces that I cannot see the picture I’m trying to put together. Will I ever be able to retrieve all of the lost pieces, days, weeks, years? Probably not, and maybe that’s for the better. Some things are better left behind.