bee pollen

Well, I quit breastfeeding 😦 I have mixed feelings about it and I somewhat feel like i was pressured into giving it up before I was really ready, but that is in the past now, so its time to move on.

I picked up a bottle of bee pollen zxt gold this afternoon and with my friends advice I’m only taking 1 a day for the first week, then increasing to 2. You’re supposed to take them in the morning, but I didn’t wanna waste today, so I took 1 around 4pm. I will continue to take them in the mornings from now on. I really hope they work like they have for all of my friends. My appetite isn’t huge anyway, but hopefully they give me the energy to work out more. I was 156 :O— when I stepped on the scale a minute ago (that face is me barfing at the huge #) I have too much to deal with to stress over that, so I’m just going to let these pills run their course..THEN I will freak out if they don’t work lol I’d like to be 140 by Christmas. Gosh I hope these work!

Haven’t really lost anymore weight, but I have stopped eating throughout the night/ early morning. & I really don’t eat until about 3 in the afternoon then make sure to stop by AT LEAST 10..but I don’t go to sleep til about 1, so its not that bad. Tomorrow Jade will have 2 bottles of formula during the day instead of just 1, so we’re getting closer to just being formula fed. I really thought breast feeding would knock this weight off like everyone was saying, but it hasn’t & I’m not gonna lie I’m pretty upset about that. I’m pretty sure I’ll lose a lot more a lot faster when I can just restrict. I hope my boobs don’t shrink too much though! I’ll be really upset :/ MAyyyyybe I’ll try to keep pumping, but I kinda doubt it. I’m really glad I didn’t buy the really expensive electric one. I’ve been sleeping pretty decent, but it takes me a while to actually wake up, but once I do I’m pretty good all day. On monday I’m going to hop on the treadmill. I would start it this weekend, but my mom & dad are home and I don’t like to exercise around them. Its a wierd thing. Today I drank entirely too much coffee, ate 3 mini powdered doughnuts 😦 then didn’t eat again til dinner, but it was a pretty calorie packed meal of a toasted bagel, fried egg, and cheese sandwich 😦 I suppose if that was the only calories I consumed today its not THAT bad, but definitely too high in fat and EMPTY calories.

I’m ready to get back to ME.

Down .2 from yesterday. Nothing too great. I’m in a little bit better of a mood today. I’m just starting to get TOO tired. I really need to get Jade & I on a schedule. I’m trying this whole transition to a bottle and its kicking my ass. She hates it. I’ve been super numb lately. Its just like every day is the same. And I mean, it is. We come downstairs around 11:30, I make myself some oatmeal and coffee, we sit around til its time for Jade to eat again, then I beg her to fall asleep so I can go out & smoke a cigarette, she rarely does..then we watch tv til my parents decide its time to come home, dinner, try to make conversation & keep Jade from crying, then its to bed around midnight for Jade & not til about 3 for me. Wake up, do it all over again. Josh has started talking to me again. I’m so bad at this whole “dating” thing. He works a lot, so I don’t want to call and bug him..Not that I have anything to talk about any way. When he calls I’m racking my brain for something to say. He’s a nice guy. I want to meet his family. Doubt they would approve. Family pictures for our first ever Christmas card on the 20th…hope I can be down a few more pounds by then. I’m already skinnier than my sister again, though. I just want to look good and have people think “Wow, she looks really great for just having a baby” when they look at it. I’m tired of this life except for Jade..Can I have a new one? I swear I’ll do better in that one :/

Down .2 from yesterday. Nothing too great. I’m in a little bit better of a mood today. I’m just starting to get TOO tired. I really need to get Jade & I on a schedule. I’m trying this whole transition to a bottle and its kicking my ass. She hates it. I’ve been super numb lately. Its just like every day is the same. And I mean, it is. We come downstairs around 11:30, I make myself some oatmeal and coffee, we sit around til its time for Jade to eat again, then I beg her to fall asleep so I can go out & smoke a cigarette, she rarely does..then we watch tv til my parents decide its time to come home, dinner, try to make conversation & keep Jade from crying, then its to bed around midnight for Jade & not til about 3 for me. Wake up, do it all over again. Josh has started talking to me again. I’m so bad at this whole “dating” thing. He works a lot, so I don’t want to call and bug him..Not that I have anything to talk about any way. When he calls I’m racking my brain for something to say. He’s a nice guy. I want to meet his family. Doubt they would approve. Family pictures for our first ever Christmas card on the 20th…hope I can be down a few more pounds by then. I’m already skinnier than my sister again, though. I just want to look good and have people think “Wow, she looks really great for just having a baby” when they look at it. I’m tired of this life except for Jade..Can I have a new one? I swear I’ll do better in that one :/

Here I go again with the sister jealousy…But first! I am down 4 more pounds. It would be more than that had I not eaten 2 fun sized candy bars and a package of 6 club & cheddar crackers IN BED last night 😦 When I’m stressed or sad I eat. I wish I was one of those people that just starved while they were sad. I’d be to perfection then, seems like I’m rarely ever happy and if I am its short lived. In general, I have been eating a bowl of oatmeal around 11am every morning and then a small helping of whatever the main course of dinner is…maybe a snack throughout the day like yogurt or something and when I stick with that I’m golden, but its when I go on a world war 3 binge at night that kills me. Sometimes I will have some popcorn or chex mix, just a small handful, but after I eat something so salty I want something sweet, so I grab a piece of chocolate, but oh no I can’t stop at just 1, so I get an ice cream bar and so on until I’m absolutely miserable. 14 more pounds until I can breathe again. just 14 more pounds…My birthday is in 18 days..It doesn’t matter to me. I wish I wasn’t having one. Its just another day and I’m just another year older. I remember when birthdays used to be exciting. I wonder if its possible to delete your birthday from your facebook profile? I don’t want 500 fake people writing on my wall to wish me happy birthday, when they could honestly care less.

My mother is driving me nuts. I try to ignore it because all she wants is a pitty party and I’m not giving in. She’s got a great life, a caring husband, 1 daughter who is doing well, 1 daughter (me) who just tries to stay out of the way, a beautiful grandaughter (that I think she’s jealous of), a good job, and so much. She wants me to stop breastfeeding. And she said that to me and she’s told other people. What kind of person says that? She just doesn’t understand because she didn’t even attempt it with my sister or me. For once in my life someone relies completely 100% on me and she can’t stand it. Why on earth would a grandmother, someone who is supposed to want the VERY BEST for their grand child want the mother to stop breastfeeding for the simple fact so that she could feed the baby and have the baby like her.??!! Maybe its just me but I cannot even fathom that!?!? I just want to shake her and scream, what the hell is wrong with you?!?! She has been trying to get me to stop since the week I brought Jade home. I do need to quit eventually, I know this, but I will stop when JADE AND I are ready, and fuck everyone else. I am starting classes in january and I have such a hard time pumping that it would be nearly impossible for me to continue. But I think maybe the thing I worry about most is that if she is on the bottle, then that give me free reign to do whatever I want whenever I want. Smoke, drink, whatever.. That scares me. I don’t EVER want to get back to the way I was, but it haunts me on a daily basis. The urges are always there. And I do not know if I am strong enough without her to resist temptation.

The first weekend of december is my old sorority’s formal. Even before Jade was born I talked about going. My mother said that she would be perfectly fine with watching the baby and that I needed to get out. Then last week my sister (who goes to school 2 hours away) said something to my mom on skype about mother daughter weekend. My mom asked when, Liz said first weekend of dec and what does my mom say? “Oh, I don’t see any reason why I can’t come.”..Thanks mom. Forgetting about me again. The 1 thing that I have wanted to do ini the past 10 months 1 THING I asked for and she doesn’t even hesitate blowing it off. If she would have said no in the beginning it would be no big deal, but she said ok so I looked forward to it…Oh well, I guess I should’ve expected this.

Liz wins again.