Here I go again with the sister jealousy…But first! I am down 4 more pounds. It would be more than that had I not eaten 2 fun sized candy bars and a package of 6 club & cheddar crackers IN BED last night 😦 When I’m stressed or sad I eat. I wish I was one of those people that just starved while they were sad. I’d be to perfection then, seems like I’m rarely ever happy and if I am its short lived. In general, I have been eating a bowl of oatmeal around 11am every morning and then a small helping of whatever the main course of dinner is…maybe a snack throughout the day like yogurt or something and when I stick with that I’m golden, but its when I go on a world war 3 binge at night that kills me. Sometimes I will have some popcorn or chex mix, just a small handful, but after I eat something so salty I want something sweet, so I grab a piece of chocolate, but oh no I can’t stop at just 1, so I get an ice cream bar and so on until I’m absolutely miserable. 14 more pounds until I can breathe again. just 14 more pounds…My birthday is in 18 days..It doesn’t matter to me. I wish I wasn’t having one. Its just another day and I’m just another year older. I remember when birthdays used to be exciting. I wonder if its possible to delete your birthday from your facebook profile? I don’t want 500 fake people writing on my wall to wish me happy birthday, when they could honestly care less.
My mother is driving me nuts. I try to ignore it because all she wants is a pitty party and I’m not giving in. She’s got a great life, a caring husband, 1 daughter who is doing well, 1 daughter (me) who just tries to stay out of the way, a beautiful grandaughter (that I think she’s jealous of), a good job, and so much. She wants me to stop breastfeeding. And she said that to me and she’s told other people. What kind of person says that? She just doesn’t understand because she didn’t even attempt it with my sister or me. For once in my life someone relies completely 100% on me and she can’t stand it. Why on earth would a grandmother, someone who is supposed to want the VERY BEST for their grand child want the mother to stop breastfeeding for the simple fact so that she could feed the baby and have the baby like her.??!! Maybe its just me but I cannot even fathom that!?!? I just want to shake her and scream, what the hell is wrong with you?!?! She has been trying to get me to stop since the week I brought Jade home. I do need to quit eventually, I know this, but I will stop when JADE AND I are ready, and fuck everyone else. I am starting classes in january and I have such a hard time pumping that it would be nearly impossible for me to continue. But I think maybe the thing I worry about most is that if she is on the bottle, then that give me free reign to do whatever I want whenever I want. Smoke, drink, whatever.. That scares me. I don’t EVER want to get back to the way I was, but it haunts me on a daily basis. The urges are always there. And I do not know if I am strong enough without her to resist temptation.
The first weekend of december is my old sorority’s formal. Even before Jade was born I talked about going. My mother said that she would be perfectly fine with watching the baby and that I needed to get out. Then last week my sister (who goes to school 2 hours away) said something to my mom on skype about mother daughter weekend. My mom asked when, Liz said first weekend of dec and what does my mom say? “Oh, I don’t see any reason why I can’t come.”..Thanks mom. Forgetting about me again. The 1 thing that I have wanted to do ini the past 10 months 1 THING I asked for and she doesn’t even hesitate blowing it off. If she would have said no in the beginning it would be no big deal, but she said ok so I looked forward to it…Oh well, I guess I should’ve expected this.
Liz wins again.