Can’t be trusted

Got lost in my own thoughts this morning and last night. Thoughts of 2 years ago being placed in the hospital  on suicide watch being treated for alcohold poisoning with a .44 blood alcohol level. I wasn’t trying to kill myself..at least I don’t think so. I can’t help but wonder what if I really did die. Its not that I want to die. My life is good..No, compared to what it has been, my life is great. I can’t help but get the feeling that I’m never going to be quite “right.” Normal. I can’t be trusted in my own head. My very own thoughts will be the death of me. Litterally and figuratively. I feel more alone than I’ve felt in a very long time. This feeling used to comfort me, but now it terrifies every cell in my body. I see here, chilled to the bone, while my precious angel sleeps so peacefully just one room away. Not tired, not crying, certainly not happy..just..Numb. It is very unsettling. I am scared. I am absolutely terrified..but of what? Thoughts of suicide never cross my mind anymore & even the thought of it just gets pushed to the wayside not even to be considered. I have accepted the fact that I am never going to be as thin or as beautiful as I want to be, but obviously it won’t stop me from trying. I guess in a way I fear school starting again next month, but I know I will get through it. I’m no longer scared that I will dissappoint people because I know my life will continue on..as mediocre as it may be. I’m not scared that I will never find love. I’ve pretty much given up on that too. I’ve lived 23 years with my heart locked up and I’m just fine. I guess maybe I’m scared that I can’t forget my past & as much as I try to outlive, outrun, erase it..I never will be able to. Those memories are burned into my brain, my heart, and engraved as scars into my skin. I’m scared that with the flip of a switch I could be back living that life. Dying that life. DYING that life.Dying.

The sun shines bright through the window panes casting and illuminating shadow of heat onto the floor. I sit for a while trying to thaw the chill that has radiated clear into my bones. It eventually disappears and with it, it takes the warmth. I think to move, to get up and move on about my day, but my head is so heavy, filled to the brim with thoughts that I remain motionless. The tick of the clock is the only reminder that the world is still spinning. I remind myself to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. I force myself to stand. Its only noon. Why can’t this day end?

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Lost the .2 gain from the mini binge on wednesday. Kinda hoped that I would have lost more & I might have. I typically weigh myself in the morning before eating or drinking anything and today I had already had a cup of coffee & 2 bottles of water. I can’t get enough to drink lately. Its supposedly one of the possible “Side effects” from the bee pollen because it “cleanses” your body for the first week or 2 pretty much dehydrating you if you don’t consume much water. I’ve been very sure to drink plenty for that reason and so that my body doesn’t feel the need to retain much..But today I feel like I’ve been reataing a lot of water. I haven’t had my period since I got pregnant with Jade..They say it can range anywhere from a week after birth to 6 months..I wonder if maybe I’m about to start again. I definitely don’t look forward to THAT! Especially since it was so unpredictable in the first place. Some months I’d have it, some I wouldn’t, some months it would be terrible & excruciating, others barely even noticeable. I should get on birth control to help regulate it, but I’m one of those people that doesn’t like taking unnecessary “drugs”. I try herbal & home remedies before I visit a doctor or a drug store. I just sorta feel like if you put all that stuff in your body to “heal” it, it won’t be able to take over & heal itself like it waws built to do. So far this has worked really well for me. I’m rarely sick other than just a little cold or 2 a year, sometimes I sinus infection, but other than that, nothing major.

Jade is 3 months old today. I absolutely cannot believe how fast time has flown by! I know everyone said it would, but it honestly feels like I just brought her home from the hospital last week. I thought about baking a little cake (even though she can’t eat it lol) Like a circular cake and cutting it into quarters & Icing & stacking it into layers, so that it looks like there’s only 1/4 of the cake left? I think it would be cute, but if I did that I would be VERY tempted to eat some of it and probably a good bit of the batter too. I LOVE cake batter!! & also, tomorrow is my mom’s birthday, so just being the person that she is I know she would secretly be thinking “Well, you didn’t bake a cake for ME”.. & I sure as hell do not want to bake 2 cakes..especially since no one would really eat either of them. Everyone would probably have 1 slice & then it would just sit & get picked at for the rest of the week until I binged on it & hated it so much I threw it away. Lol. Okay, no cake!

I’m not feeling that great today & I never feel like working out anyway, but today I really don’t feel like it. I did the 4 minute intense workout. It was pretty tough especially since I haven’t done anything that intense in like …a year. It “supposedly” burns as many calories as a 40 minute run, but I don’t believe that at all. You can check it out on youtube or I’ll just write it out for you. It only takes 4 minutes, so there’s really no excuse..especially the one we all love “I don’t have time.” It is: 20 seconds of squat thrusts I think they’re also called burpees. You start in the standing position with your arms up over your head, then you bend your knees and put your hands down so that you are in a crouched position. You then push your legs back so that you are in a push-up position, do a push up, bring your legs back into the crouched position and jump up into the air thrusting your hands back above your head. Do as many of these as fast as you possibly can (with good form) in 20 seconds. Take a 10 second rest. The next 20 seconds are mountain climbers. Get down to the pushup position and bring each leg in 1 at a time. Do as many as fast as you can for 20 seconds. 10 second reast. High knees for the next 20 seconds keeping your abs tight and pumping your arms like you would if you were running. 10 second rest. The last 20 seconds is jumping jacks. Remember, do them as fast as you can. Keep your core tight & keep good form. 10 second rest and repeat. There you have it, the 4 minute workout. Supposedly, developed by a Japanese scientist to keep your heart rate & metablolism elevated for 24-36 hours after your workout. I don’t think I believe this, but hey, it was on diets.com so that’s fairly reliable I guess. I’ll post some thinspo & stuff in a while, I’m just really not in the mood for anything today.

Cardigan as main layer  (Another pinner said: This website is AMAZING. It is my workout bible, and best of all, its completely FREE. Tons of workout vids and plenty more to stave off ruts. Most of the routines are between 12-20 mins long and that's all you need.) Slimmer thighs in seven days. 42 ways to lose stomach fat  this is so pretty! I want someone to pick me up with ease.

 EDIT: So today has royally sucked. I’m bored, not feeling well, & just plain out of it. And I’m soooo thirsty! lol Still can’t seem to get enough to drink. I was feeling really down all day & I think part of it had to do with fasting all day yesterday minus 42 cals of tomato soup and then only losing what I gained from a mini binge the day before. Well, haven’t eaten anything today except 2 tic tacs & I put a tsp of peppermint mocha creamer in my coffee. I needed something to give me some taste. I’m going to go ahead & go to that Christmas party to just get me & the baby out of the house for a little bit. & I was feeling weak, so I told myself Just hold off until this evening & much on a few of the healthier things.  I just got outta the shower & thought that maybe I’d weigh myself again & that hopefully my body was just retaining water weight over night & whatta ya know lost .7 lbs..So, I’m going to go, but I’m going to smile, watch all the fatasses stuff their faces, & use the phrase “No, thanks. I’m not hungry.” as many times as possible & relish in the fact that I am going to be skinny, & they are going to remain fat, ugly, & single until they learn some self control. I’m going to try & dress up a little & wear something that makes me look skinnier. I know I’m not skinny, but I really want someone to notice that I’ve lost weight. I get an evil selfish smile when I think about weighing less than more than 1/2 of those girls only 3 months after having a baby. What’s their excuse?! NOTHING!

I told you I would be writing to say how badly I fucked up. Well..dinner was unavoidable :/ One of those random “sit down” ones that my family decides to have once in a blue moon..Or when they think I’m not eating. It was sloppy joes, I had one with 2 tablespoons of sauce on a bun, corn-I’d say about a 1/4 cup and then a handfull of the saltiest butteryist popcorn I’ve ever tasted in my life. It was awful..sad thing was I didn’t want to stop. But I did. Once I got home from the game I was craving sweets so badly! all I wanted was a snickers or an oatmeal cream pie or something to that affect, but I made myself a decaf coffee and put a splash of peppermint mocha creamer in it and it worked. Not a terrible binge, but not exactly how I wanted to break my fast either. It needed to be broken though. Mentally I could have gone another day, but I hadn’t fasted in so long that my body seemed to be completely shutting down. My chest was burning, legs were cramping, and I’m not trying to make excuses but I don’t need to be passing out walking down the steps carrying Jade. For once, I’ve got to think of a little bit more than just myself.

The binge boiled down to a .2 lb weight gain, so today I need to burn at least 700 calories. I figured out that that is 1/5 of 3500 which is how many calories you need to burn to lose a pound. So at least 700 today to get rid of that .2. Dinner shouldn’t be hard to avoid today. My mother teaches a night class that starts at 7, so usually she rushes home to try to make something, but I’ll try & see if I can’t make some grilled cheese & tomato soup or something. The tomato soup would be okay to have a small cup of if I really feel the need.

I don’t really feel like this bee pollen makes me un-hungry, but it really really REALLY has been helpful at controling my night cravings. That was my biggest problem, not only would I binge on sweets, but it would be right before bed.

We’ll see how today goes.

EDIT: Also, I’ve come to find out that I really don’t like “Fashion thinspo” or whatever you wanna call it..A model on the runway with wierd shoes, an enormous hat that wouldn’t fit through ANY doorway and wearing what I would call a pillowcase is really just not that inspiring to me lol maybe its because I’m from a small town & if anyone EVER wore anything like that, even if it cost a billion $s people would avoid them at all costs, not think they were “fashionable”. On the other hand, I’ve been on pinterest all day and I really like looking at all the outfit suggestions they have on there. I’d like to get a few different plain shirts that I can pair with jeans, tights, skirts, etc and some scarves & cute jewelry & shoes to match. I’m terrible at finding stuff to wear :/ ..like REALLY terrible. When I am shopping I need to consider the different outfits I can make with this shirt/necklace/pants etc..Instead, i’m kind of one of those people that says “Shit, I have an event tonight. I need to run out to the mall and find a shirt…that I normally pair with any old pair of jeans and dig through my closet to try & find a pair of shoes to pair with it…I just feel like I always wear the same ol’ things all the time. I want to be able to look nice, without spending FOREVERRR and I want it to look like I was able to just “throw it together”

So cute

cute!This one is definitely my style. I love Navy & white..minus the heals. I like heals, but with destroyed jeans? ehh I don’t think so flats instead 🙂

cuuuteeeI like how thin her arms are. I always have such trouble with my arms :/

 awesomeI love how long hair looks (not hers particularly) on a tan thin back. I can’t wait to wear backless shirts again

Pinned Image about a 20 min morning workout ... why not work that into your day!?  thinspo #fitness #motivation #abs

 i WANT these ABS! #fitness Love this! I feel like if I worked hard this is what I could look like. Her hips are a little wider set kinda like mine (especially after the baby)

Curvy, fit & healthy!!! this is sexy too #fitness #motivationI don’t care what anyone says..that is not beautiful to me. I’m tired of this Big & Beautiful junk! Do whatever makes you happy. By all means..but I’m not going to die of type 2 diabetes or lose a toe, or go blind. etc…

fitnessI wanna eventually wear something like this when I work out

#beforeandafter Just WOW. This girl worked her butt (and belly!) off- literally! #motivationbefore & after

and not have to pull your jeans up over that fat roll... haha& not have to pull up your jeans over your fat roll..I did this the other night when Jay came over 😦

fitness Very..normal?

thinspo... adorabe outfit adorable!

...the cookies.. the carbs... the JUNK pretty... #thinspo

those legs... #thinspo #perfect #legs HER LEGS!!

Cheerleading I don’t think either of those girls are “Thinspo” by any means, but I like the idea of a guy being able to lift me effortlessly. That’s what keeps me going 🙂 Pick me up and carry me away

Gisele Bündchen by Paolo Roversi

life

YES!

<img style="height: 192px;" src="http://media-cdn.pinterest.com/upload/251286854178027166_Rcpvc83U_b.jpg&quot; alt="YES!

 thinspo thinspo I wanna wear tiny little hollister shorts

Alright..That’s enough for now. I’m gonna go smoke another cigarette because I suck & should do a quick workout instead before the baby wakes up.

EDIT: I’ve gotta do something to keep me busy!! All I’m thinking about is food. & Pinterest ins’t helping because they’ve got some awesome looking recipes on there. I need to not go overboard today or tomorrow because saturday is the Christmas festival & there is all kinds of delicious (fattening) italian food. I’m not going to go all out or anything, but I’m sure that I will be sampling some of the dishes. Would look too akward not to. Then its a birthday party for a little boy that I was invited to. Gotta not go crazy there either. I can probably say that I ate too much at the festival & get away with just some veggies..Surely they will have a veggie tray right? Damnit! I forgot that my sorority is having a dinner tomorrow night. I think I’ll just not go. Its too much work lugging the baby & all of her stuff around. Plus its flu season and the last thing I need is for her to get sick. Yup, sounds like a plan. Nothing tonight if I can avoid my mother’s akwardness. Tomato soup if not. Tomorrow, my dad will be out of town and my mother is going shopping after work, so I will just tell her that I am going to the dinner and then not go so she thinks that I am eating, but really I am not. If I can manage that, it should put me down to about 146 (hopefully less, but I’m not gonna push it) by saturday for the festival where I will most likely see Shawn (Jade’s dad’s) parents. Wanna make sure I look like I haven’t even had a baby. I can disguise it fairly well, especially since it is outside and I will have on a coat. I really want to go to it, mostly for that reason..okay well only for that reason, but its going to be freezing & I don’t know if I should have the baby out in it and there’s no reason to go if I don’t have her with me. I could see them reporting back to Shawn that I left my child alone with someone..dicks! 

Distractions: Straighten/curl hair. Hot bath (i’ve been freezing all day) read Hunger games, build gingerbread house, start basket, take pics of Jade

EDIT: Wasn’t able to avoid dinner all together, but my mother didn’t put everything out on the table, so I was able to “fill” a mug with tomato soup. I put 1/2C in the mug and ate some of it very slowly by spoon, so it looked like I had filled the whole thing & it was taking me a long time to eat it. I ate most, but didn’t finish it all, so I’m glad. Shouldn’t be hard to avoid stuff for the rest of the evening. Just gotta keep drinking my water so I don’t feel hungry.

Baby just went down for her nap, so I’m gonna get a few quick exercises in.

Down almost 2 pounds from yesterday. When I first stepped on the scale it said 148, then me being the OCD weight freak that I am have to step on it several more times until it gives me the same number 3 (if not more) times in a row..even if its just off an ounce. IDK why I do that? I maintained my fast for yesterday with the only consumption consisting of coffee, water, a piece of gum, and 3 tic tacs. Still going strong today. I’m not hungry, but of course all I’m doing is thinking about food. It might be hard for me to avoid dinner today when my parents get home because my mother noticed that I did not eat last night. I need to figure something out though, because if I eat an entire dinner it is very likely that I will binge for the rest of the evening. I can try & use the “I’m not feeling that good” excuse, but I don’t want her to get too suspicious this early on in my weight loss. 30 pounds down since the middle of september & Yes there was a baby in there then, but I only lost 14 lbs when I had her. She weighed almost 8 lbs. I was stuck at 165-168 FOREVER!! Then finally got it down to 157 when i started taking the bee pollen 1 week ago. 8 pounds in 1 week :/ Normally I would be happy about that, but not when my weight is this high. I feel that the pounds should be falling right off since they are “baby weight” but that’s just not that case. On the plus side, if I lose 8 more pounds next week, then I will be at my FGW of 140 and will be able to buy myself a tanning package.

I need to find something warm that looks nice for this saturday. I live in a small town and every year there is a little feast/festival downtown that several people attend. One of those attendees will be Shawn’s (Jade’s father) step mother and probably his father. Maybe even his grandparents. I’m a little hesitant about the confrontation because I have not spoken to any of them for quite some time and they are not happy with the baby situation at all. If I see them, should I speak to them? Should I pretend that I am okay with him lying and abandoning us? Either way, I need to look spectacular!..But it also has to be comfy because I will be walking around all day and probably carrying the baby because I’m not sure that I want to take the stroller. The weather is supposed to be sunny, but in the 40’s..I have a nice cream colored peacoat that I could possibly pair with some tall caramel brown riding-ish boots (They remind me of the ones equestrians wear, not cowboy boots) over a pair of (not-so) skinny jeans with a scarf, knitted hat, & some matching gloves? UGH! I just don’t know. I only slept about 4 hours last night, so I thnk I’m just going to try & take a nap right now. I’m sure as soon as I lay down the baby will wake up ready to eat..Which reminds me, must wash bottles before nap 😦 Guess that means no nap. I probably shouldn’t take one anyway bc I probably won’t be able to sleep again tonight if I do.

Hmm..possible solution to skipping out on dinner. Right before its about to be done I’ll hop in the shower. That could probably buy me about 15-20 minutes, then I will just blow dry my hair which will take an eternity since its so long and thick. I love long hair! Its about down to the bottom of my bra strap in the back. I want it to be about 3 inches longer. Hopefully it will still look nice. I like long hair, but not when it gets so long that it looks unkempt. Ok back on subject, so that should get me through dinner and then once I am done everyone will be through eating and I can pretend to fix a plate & “eat”

I’ll probably be on later to describe how I fucked up lol

I can’t believe I’m still 19 lbs from where I was this time last year. I looked awesome! I wish I would’ve known it then :/ ..but I WAS starting to get my confidence back. I need that again. I don’t want Jade to be embarassed by my fat ass like I have secretly been with my mother for so long. She is a great mom, she really is. She means well, but I want to live a long “healthy” life and lead by example. No more starving once I get back to 130. Just maintaining 🙂 Yep, no nap. Baby is up & ready to eat! I love her!!

Some thinspo

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Can’t wiat wil I look like that in shorts again!

I upped my bee pollen dosage to 2 pills this morning instead of just 1.

More later. Just got the urge to jump on that treadmill & I’m not gonna let it pass. I should have a few cuz the baby is sleeping. I’ll run til she wakes up.

EDIT:Well she woke up just as I was lacing my sneakers..but that’s okay. I dug out the jumprope and did 100 reps and a 5 minute leg workout..Then she started crying for a bottle. I plan to do more later as soon as my dad leaves..Ugh! Living with my parents sucks, but I really have no other choice at all right now, so I’m just going to have to suck it up.

I thought of a reward for when I reach 140. I really REALLY REALLY need to tan. So, I’m going to get a 30 day package when I do. Better start saving now..I’m so broke :/ And the tanning will encourage me even more to drop the weight in a quick time because I want to at least have it started by the time school starts January 16th.

Pinned Image abs

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Pinned ImageYUCK!

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me either!

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pretty

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Jay would love this

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Yep, that’s the worst! I want nothing hanging over anywhere! No love handles over jeans, no bra fat over & around the straps, ugh & my least favorite arm pit fat when wearing tube tops!

Really, I just want my old clothes to fit. That’s my UG#1. Get back to 129 where I was before I got pregnant with Jade then for my UGW lose 5 more pounds. I was nearly perfect at 129. So damn close I could taste  it…well the lack of taste was more like it.

Its 3:30 PM and I’ve had only water and 1 cup of coffee with a sweet & low and a splash of 2% milk. Lets keep it that way!

EDIT: Hell yeah! I had one more cup of coffee, no milk this time & then just more water. No food today 🙂 I’m proud of myself. My mom noticed I didn’t eat tonight, so I’ve got to be sure and figure something out for tomorrow night’s dinner whether its grabbing it & running to my room or saying I’m going out? idk maybe I’ll make something, then smear some of it on a plate before they get home and pretend like I already ate. I also got in 240 jump rope reps and a 5minute leg workout. I want to go run & jump on the scale right now, but I know that it will have no affect. I know I’m getting my hopes up. I doubt I will even be under 150 😦 Its ok. Just gotta work just as hard if not harder tomorrow!

Went up 2 oz from yesterday because I had a mini binge last night after not eating all day. Had some hamburger helper that my mom made and an egg roll and a reeces christmas tree YUCK..It wouldn’t be so bad to eat if I wouldn’t eat disgusting shit! 6 pounds in less than a week though. I think I may have to up the dosage to the normal 2 pills a day instead of just the 1 because I’m starting to feel hungry again :/ I’ve gotta start doing SOME kind of workout..I pretty much do nothing all day except take care of the baby, so I’ve gotta get even just 15 mins in. Anything would help. And I really have to quit smoking. I can feel it in my chest and everything. I’m only at about 4 a day, but that’s just still too much. I need to cut it out completely. If I keep myself occupied I don’t even think about it, but I’m just bored all the time sitting at home. Every day I need to make myself get up while Jade is going back down for her nap after her morning feeding instead of going back to sleep too. That would be the perfect time for me to exercise and get a shower. Probably even enough time for me to blow dry my hair. Then she will wake up and I will feed her. We can play for a little bit, then it will be time for her 20-30 minute nap & at that time I can get dressed, do my hair, and put on at least some mascara. (Trying not to wear face makeup unless I have to because it breaks me out so badly) Even if I’m not going anywhere. I must not lay around the house in sweats all day. Gonna go get dressed right now as a matter of fact!

5 lbs 2 days!

Day 4 of taking the bee pollen and I am one pound below my highest weight before I got pregnant. Still 11 pounds to go until my first goal weight of 140, but at this rate it should take no time at all. Yesterday I had 1 piece of little ceasars pizza (250) and I used some peppermint mocha creamer in my coffee (35) =285 calories for yesterday. And I wasn’t even hungry! Well, I was when I ate the pizza..but that was about 8pm. I haven’t eaten anything yet today and its 2pm. If Jay comes over I think I might order Chinese, just because that’s what I told him I was going to do last night. But I doubt he shows. That whole situation is all screwed up, but Eff him. I’m doin’ me 🙂 Can’t wait to see how much I lose over night!

have you tried it?

Woo Hoo! 152.8 this morning. Day 3 of taking bee pollen and down 3.2 lbs. It really does make you feel full. If I only eat when I’m feeling hungry instead of out of habit then I should be golden! Wednesday I took it in the middle of the day after I had already eaten a shit ton, so I don’t really count that day, but yesterday all I ate was tuna and lettuce on a pita and a handfull of chocolate covered raisins (stupid girl scouts!) haha Nothing but a cup of coffee so far this morning. It makes me really thirsty, so I’m drinking plenty of water which is great because I NEVER drink enough. I’m really loving this. The girl said that the first week is just detox, so its removing the impurities from your body (which God knows I have plenty of) then the real weightloss begins after that. I’m finally confident in my weight loss again. I will be very proud of myself once I lose this last 12.8 lbs..then its a little tougher from there. But I should be in school by then and will have free access to the gym. Time to quit smoking and get back on that treadmill..I miss cardio. Anyone else tried bee pollen? Let me know how its working for you.