Down almost 2 pounds from yesterday. When I first stepped on the scale it said 148, then me being the OCD weight freak that I am have to step on it several more times until it gives me the same number 3 (if not more) times in a row..even if its just off an ounce. IDK why I do that? I maintained my fast for yesterday with the only consumption consisting of coffee, water, a piece of gum, and 3 tic tacs. Still going strong today. I’m not hungry, but of course all I’m doing is thinking about food. It might be hard for me to avoid dinner today when my parents get home because my mother noticed that I did not eat last night. I need to figure something out though, because if I eat an entire dinner it is very likely that I will binge for the rest of the evening. I can try & use the “I’m not feeling that good” excuse, but I don’t want her to get too suspicious this early on in my weight loss. 30 pounds down since the middle of september & Yes there was a baby in there then, but I only lost 14 lbs when I had her. She weighed almost 8 lbs. I was stuck at 165-168 FOREVER!! Then finally got it down to 157 when i started taking the bee pollen 1 week ago. 8 pounds in 1 week :/ Normally I would be happy about that, but not when my weight is this high. I feel that the pounds should be falling right off since they are “baby weight” but that’s just not that case. On the plus side, if I lose 8 more pounds next week, then I will be at my FGW of 140 and will be able to buy myself a tanning package.

I need to find something warm that looks nice for this saturday. I live in a small town and every year there is a little feast/festival downtown that several people attend. One of those attendees will be Shawn’s (Jade’s father) step mother and probably his father. Maybe even his grandparents. I’m a little hesitant about the confrontation because I have not spoken to any of them for quite some time and they are not happy with the baby situation at all. If I see them, should I speak to them? Should I pretend that I am okay with him lying and abandoning us? Either way, I need to look spectacular!..But it also has to be comfy because I will be walking around all day and probably carrying the baby because I’m not sure that I want to take the stroller. The weather is supposed to be sunny, but in the 40’s..I have a nice cream colored peacoat that I could possibly pair with some tall caramel brown riding-ish boots (They remind me of the ones equestrians wear, not cowboy boots) over a pair of (not-so) skinny jeans with a scarf, knitted hat, & some matching gloves? UGH! I just don’t know. I only slept about 4 hours last night, so I thnk I’m just going to try & take a nap right now. I’m sure as soon as I lay down the baby will wake up ready to eat..Which reminds me, must wash bottles before nap 😦 Guess that means no nap. I probably shouldn’t take one anyway bc I probably won’t be able to sleep again tonight if I do.

Hmm..possible solution to skipping out on dinner. Right before its about to be done I’ll hop in the shower. That could probably buy me about 15-20 minutes, then I will just blow dry my hair which will take an eternity since its so long and thick. I love long hair! Its about down to the bottom of my bra strap in the back. I want it to be about 3 inches longer. Hopefully it will still look nice. I like long hair, but not when it gets so long that it looks unkempt. Ok back on subject, so that should get me through dinner and then once I am done everyone will be through eating and I can pretend to fix a plate & “eat”

I’ll probably be on later to describe how I fucked up lol

I can’t believe I’m still 19 lbs from where I was this time last year. I looked awesome! I wish I would’ve known it then :/ ..but I WAS starting to get my confidence back. I need that again. I don’t want Jade to be embarassed by my fat ass like I have secretly been with my mother for so long. She is a great mom, she really is. She means well, but I want to live a long “healthy” life and lead by example. No more starving once I get back to 130. Just maintaining 🙂 Yep, no nap. Baby is up & ready to eat! I love her!!


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