Can’t be trusted

Got lost in my own thoughts this morning and last night. Thoughts of 2 years ago being placed in the hospital  on suicide watch being treated for alcohold poisoning with a .44 blood alcohol level. I wasn’t trying to kill myself..at least I don’t think so. I can’t help but wonder what if I really did die. Its not that I want to die. My life is good..No, compared to what it has been, my life is great. I can’t help but get the feeling that I’m never going to be quite “right.” Normal. I can’t be trusted in my own head. My very own thoughts will be the death of me. Litterally and figuratively. I feel more alone than I’ve felt in a very long time. This feeling used to comfort me, but now it terrifies every cell in my body. I see here, chilled to the bone, while my precious angel sleeps so peacefully just one room away. Not tired, not crying, certainly not happy..just..Numb. It is very unsettling. I am scared. I am absolutely terrified..but of what? Thoughts of suicide never cross my mind anymore & even the thought of it just gets pushed to the wayside not even to be considered. I have accepted the fact that I am never going to be as thin or as beautiful as I want to be, but obviously it won’t stop me from trying. I guess in a way I fear school starting again next month, but I know I will get through it. I’m no longer scared that I will dissappoint people because I know my life will continue on..as mediocre as it may be. I’m not scared that I will never find love. I’ve pretty much given up on that too. I’ve lived 23 years with my heart locked up and I’m just fine. I guess maybe I’m scared that I can’t forget my past & as much as I try to outlive, outrun, erase it..I never will be able to. Those memories are burned into my brain, my heart, and engraved as scars into my skin. I’m scared that with the flip of a switch I could be back living that life. Dying that life. DYING that life.Dying.

The sun shines bright through the window panes casting and illuminating shadow of heat onto the floor. I sit for a while trying to thaw the chill that has radiated clear into my bones. It eventually disappears and with it, it takes the warmth. I think to move, to get up and move on about my day, but my head is so heavy, filled to the brim with thoughts that I remain motionless. The tick of the clock is the only reminder that the world is still spinning. I remind myself to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. I force myself to stand. Its only noon. Why can’t this day end?

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