122

122 As of this morning. That’s another pound down. SHouldn’t I be happy abotu this? I think I’m just tired. Very very VERY tired. I was up til 2 or 3 last night, then woke up around 6 before my alarm clock even rang. ..Guess there’s just too much on my mind. Planning on not eating today either..I just don’t feel up to it.

At my LW

I’m currently at my LW which is 123..well lowest weight since high school…and that’s like 5 years ago 😦 I can’t believe how fast time has passed.

I’ve had a really bad day today…which in turn helped with my fast, so I guess I can’t complain too much 😦

First, I forgot my book for class today, which is usually no big deal bc my teacher NEVER calls on me..but today he did and he made a big scene. 2. I’m so behind on my HW which is no one’s fault but mine. Lastly, but certainly not least (here comes the vent). You know how I told you all that my bf wanted to take me & the baby camping this weekend leave home thurs, return home sunday early afteronon…well turns out I ended up getting scehduled for work this friday night. At first, I was just going to call off and be “sick” because our shift was already pretty busy with servers, but then I looked at the schedule today and it’s a band night, so I knew I couldn’t leave my workplace out to hang like that. So I asked one of the girls on saturday night if she would switch me (1. that will probably make me make $100 less that night 2. That sucks for my mom who will be watching the baby, bc she wants to go to the fair and now she will have to take Jade with her…even though she said it was okay I still feel bad) So I tell my bf when he comes into the bar tonight, that I no longer work friday, but got it changed to saturday, so now Jade and I can drive down separately on thursday, stay that night and friday night then come home mid afternoon on satuday..The look on his face (which I thought was going to be happy) was the complete opposite 😦 He said “That’s a long way to go for just that time” and I tred to explain that it wasn’t that far & we’d still be there for 2 nights and nearly 3 whole days. It would be nice to have some alone time with the 3 of us. “But I don’t even think I’ll be able to get off thurdsday or even friday!” he said…When he told me earlier this week, he already said he told his dad he was taking off. “We’ll just forget this weekend.” Then he gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of my shift. When my shift was over, I thought for sure he would leave before I finished counting my drawer, but he didn’t, so i sat with him for about 5 minutes and he didn’t really say anything at all and just gave me short answers. Finally I said I was leaving and he headed out at the same time and didn’t even kiss me like he usually does, just a quick peck. Around 9:45 I texted him that I was going to bed & said “good night :*” ..he never texted back…

Why can’t he just act like an adult?! He’s almost 27 freaking years old andhe acts like a teenage girl sometimes. I’m sorry that I don’t make $24 an hour like you and constantly get double time. I’m sorry that I have to work 2 jobs to fend for myself and make sure my child has all that she needs, but she comes first!! I’m sorrythat I’m under so much stress and under so much pressure from myself and others that you could not ever begin to underastnad or comprehend hbecause I hide it all so well from EVERYONE..literally everyone. NO ONE knows my secrets…then again I guess it’s easy to keep secrets when you have no friends to share them with. I’m sorry that you don’t know that I haven’t eaten in 3 days and 3 days before that it was another 2 days without a single fucking calorie. I’m sorry that I hate that you don’t even notice I’ve lost nearly 7 lbs in somewhere around 2 weeks. I’m sorry that you don’t know I’ve already began planning our future and I’m sorry that I think I love you, but I’m also sorry that I’m not sure what love is, therefore I’m sorry that I haven’t told you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you would never understand. I’m sorry.

If anyone even knew how long I’ve been dealing with all this, I think they’d be surprised I’m still alive. I almost wish Jay and I would break up, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about being tied down. I think Jade and i need to get out of this town. I think we need to go pretty far away. I can see myself with Jay..but I just don’t know if things would ever be “right” I think I’m forcing a future because he’s been good to Jade and I so far.

I do not like the way I feel today. Empty in so many more ways than one.

twitter

If you guys haven’t made a twitter account specifically for you ED I definitely recommend it. It’s so much easier and more convenient to get the support you need fast from your phone, ipad, etc. Believe it or not I’m at my lowest weight since high school. This morning I weighed in at 5’9″ 123.8 That’s less than 10 lbs from my UGW of 114.0..but I think I’m going to have to end up changing that. I thought I’d be a lot happier when I got below 125, but I’m still not liking what I see. My thighs are so close to touching it’s not even funny. i thought I’d have “the Gap” by now. My love handles are…well STILL THERE! and My hip bones aren’t visible like at all when I’m not laying down. I think 108 would be a pretty good UGW to shoot for now. Wow that seems so far away! That’s almost 20 lbs more. Gotta not let myself get overwhelmed. I can’t remember monday, but I don’t think I did TOO badly. Tuesday I fasted. Wednesday I binged BIG TIME. I fasted all day until about 7pm then I ate a cup of spaghetti, and enormous meat ball, and about 2 cups of salad with 2 tbs of balsalmic dressing :(. I’m STILL mad about that! Yesterday I fasted until about 6:30 PM and then I had about 2 cups of salad with 1 tbs of balsalmic dressing. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t eat the cheese, but then I said one bite, and then I said one more bite, and then I ate it all 😦 That’s what I hate about eating..I can’t make myself stop! but that’s all I ate yesterday and then I did a 25 minute zumba workout. I’ve never done zumba before, but it did have me sweating and I felt some tightness in my abs. I thought I would be sore today, but I’m not. Today so far, I’ve had a 20 oz cup of coffee that I put 1/4 cup of fat free vanilla cappuccino in. I know that has to be loaded with calories, so I’m going to work out in my office today, since I just sit here by myself all day. I don’t want to eat anything today because tomorrow my grandma is having a family reunion and I know it will look wierd if I don’t eat especially since I’ve lost weight and I’m not skinnier than I’ve ever been less than a year after having a baby. People WILL notice. So I must make it look like I’m eating. I think I’ll grab a plate with healthy fruits and veggies etc and then act like I’m feeding Jade the whole time. I’ve gotta figure out where I can sneak off to there to have a cig because I’ll freak without one. How is it that I can give up food for a day, but not cigarettes lol?

Anyone have any workout suggestions that don’t really require any equiptment that I can do here in my office or in my room at home? I DO NOT want to build muscle, I don’t need that weight, I just more or less want to burn the fat around my love handles, stomach, upper arms, and thighs.

If you DO have a twitter acct, follow me at 0zeroislove0 Sarafina Jade and I’ll follow you back.

I did it!

..then I fucked it all up. Like I said, waking up friday I was 128.something I think So I decided it would be a great day to kick off a fast, I was so motivated and everything. Well I made it through the entire day at work, then at home, and when I got to work the fatties working with me ordered potato skins. I avoided them FOREVER and then once they’d gotten completely cold and ever GROSSER I pulled off about a 1 inch piece and ate it…It wasn’t even good, but I’m not TOO mad about that. I’m mad about Saturday! I woke up and the scale said 125.7! That is what I had been waiting for! I was so excited that I’d finally gotten below 127 because I hadn’t for years..So to celebrate I ate 2 fucking hot dogs! TWO!! and then I get to work, & what do I do? I eat some potato casserole..oh no, it’s not over yet, I get home and my mom had ordered pizza so I ate 2 pieces AND a piece of fish…UGH just thinking about it makes me so sick. Of course I fucked yesterday up with a piece of pizza for lunch and baked steak and mashed potatoes and CHEESECAKE for dinner…So today is punishment. All I can think about is food. And I thought about letting myself have something, but I decided it was best to wait for as long as I could because sometimes I get in these moods where I just don’t stop for days on end! Today would be okay to fast, but I’d almost rather wait til tomorrow because i work from 9-3 then again at my second job from 4-8:30. It’s easier for me to avoid food when I’m not at home. Then on wednesday I work from 9-4 and the second job from 8pm-2am, so if I wanted to continue the fast into the second day I could easily do that.

If I’m going to do that, I need to plan what and when I am going to eat tonight. If I don’t, then I just freak out and eat all day and night. I would LOVE to have just an enormous salad with fat free dressing. I’m hoping that would fill me up and keep me from munching all night 😦 I don’t know what to do??!!!! I HATE FOOD!

Follow me on Twitter 0zeroislove0

30 Day Challenge:
Day 01 – Your current relationship, if
single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10
years.
Day 03 – Your views
on drugs and alcohol.
Day
04 – Your views on religion.
Day 05 – A time you thought about ending
your own life.
Day 06 –
Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 – Your zodiac sign and if you think
it fits your personality.
Day 08 – A moment you felt the most
satisfied with your life.
Day 09 – How you hope your future will be
like.
Day 10 – Discuss
your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 – Put your iPod on shuffle and
write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 – Bullet your whole
day.
Day 13 – Somewhere
you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 – Your earliest
memory.
Day 15 – Your
favourite tumblrs.
Day 16
– Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past
year.
Day 18 – Your
beliefs.
Day 19 –
Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 – How important you think education
is.
Day 21 – One of your
favorite shows.
Day 22 –
How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of 5
guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and
what it’s about.
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 –
What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 – A problem that you have
had.
Day 28 – Something that you miss.
Day 29 – Goals for the next 30
days.
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this
month.

 

Day 04- Your views on religion.

I consider myself a Christan although I’ve done many MANY un-Christ-like things and I haven’t been to church in years. I would love to become an active church goer again, especially now that I have Jade. I would really like for her to grow up surrounded by God’s love and followers. I do not condem people would are not Christian, but I do think that people should believe in some kind of higher power. I mean, how else would we have gotten here? I get mind blown every time I try to think about that stuff lol.

Day 05 – A day you thought about ending your own life

I bet not a month has gone by since I was 15 that I haven’t thought about suicide. Not so much since I got pregnant with Jade because now someone finally needs me in their life. But especially when I was drinking all the time and doing a bunch of drugs..and It’s not that I actually ever planned a suicide, there were just many times when I wished I was no longer alive. and that the world would be better off without me.

Day 06 – Write 30 interresting facts about yourself

1. I’ve always wanted to write left handed, so I often practice (nerd) 2. I love to read! 3. I used to want to be an ice cream truck driver or a marmaid when I grew up. 4. If there was a cream to remove freckles I would be on that shit. 5. I want a boob job. 6. I want 4 kids, YES FOUR. 7. I consider myself pretty intelligent. 8. I want a HUGE jacked up dodge deisel truck..pink please 😉 9. I’m good at managing money. 10. I cannot apply makeup for shit! 11. but I wish I could. 12. I like styling people’s hair. 13. I wish I looked good in baseball hats like some girls. 14. I love my dog. 15. I want to quit smoking, it’s the only addiction I haven’t been able to give up. 16. I want to live out west. Preferrable in the mountains in Idaho. 17. I love horseback riding and wish we had enough land at my house to keep our horses closer. 18. I’ve had several people tell me I look like Kate Hudson (yeah right, I don’t see it at all) 19. There is no way I can think of 11 more of these “Interresting facts”

 

Boooored!

30 Day Challenge:
Day 01 – Your current relationship, if
single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10
years.
Day 03 – Your views
on drugs and alcohol.
Day
04 – Your views on religion.
Day 05 – A time you thought about ending
your own life.
Day 06 –
Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 – Your zodiac sign and if you think
it fits your personality.
Day 08 – A moment you felt the most
satisfied with your life.
Day 09 – How you hope your future will be
like.
Day 10 – Discuss
your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 – Put your iPod on shuffle and
write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 – Bullet your whole
day.
Day 13 – Somewhere
you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 – Your earliest
memory.
Day 15 – Your
favourite tumblrs.
Day 16
– Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past
year.
Day 18 – Your
beliefs.
Day 19 –
Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 – How important you think education
is.
Day 21 – One of your
favorite shows.
Day 22 –
How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of 5
guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and
what it’s about.
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 –
What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 – A problem that you have
had.
Day 28 – Something that you miss.
Day 29 – Goals for the next 30
days.
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this
month.

 

I just feel like writing, so this isn’t going to be a 30 day thing, since I don’t have the opportunity to be on here every day, I’m just going to do as many as I feel like doing, then pick up the next day where I left off

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Right now, I’m dating Jay and have been”officially” since January 1, 2012 right at midnight was our first kiss 🙂 Sooo cheesy lol! He is an amazing guy and treats Jade and I like gold. He has a great job and works really hard. I wish he had his own place, because as of now with my living with my parents & everything it’s really hard for us to get alone time. I sound like a little high school girl when saying all we’ve done is make out lol. He’s almost 27 and I’m 23 and we’ve been together for 7 months and not even seen each other naked lol . BUt I kinda like it. Not too much pressure like other relationships I’ve been in. Its not like every time I see him all he’s thinking about is fucking me. I really think this relationship has potential and I can honestly say I can see myself marrying him and starting a life together. And since I have NO patience at all..I hope its soon 😉

Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

I guess this kind of goes back to the last question. In 10 years I will be 33, working full time as a teacher or a stay at home mom if financial stability allows it. I’d like to have at least 2 more children before I’m 30. Maybe a 4th 😉 lol Not sure I would know how to handle 4 children, but 3 would be nice. Jay and I will have a beautiful house of our own and he will be the full time 100% owner of his business now that he is currently 1/2 owner of with his father. I want to be carting the kids off to soccer practice, t-ball, karate, and gymnastics and hard to believe my little girl will be 10! I want to maintain an open honest realtionship with my children, that I never had with my mother. Yep, that about sums it up. Happily married, white pickett fence, dog, and 2.5 children lol The American Dream!

Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol

You name it, I’ve done it…lolwell its not that bad, but just about. I think drugs are the root of all evil, mainly prescription drugs, heroine, and meth. I think weed should be legalized (even though I don’t smoke it) to decrease the nation’s debt and avoid conflicts with Mexico and other drug cartels and lowering the prison rates and taxes. I think the drinking age should be lowered to 18 (as long as they’re out of high school) and that it should become less taboo. Other countries that allow drinking at younger ages don’t have the problems that we do in the US with alcohol poisoning, DUIs, and other alcohol related crimes. Teens and young adults need to learn to drink responsibly and when they’re at a young age and feeling rebelious that’s not likely to happen and they’re more likely to drink more and more often. To be honest, I’d like to irradicate drugs and alcohol all together, but since that’s never going to happen, I think we need to find more effective ways to deal with them.

 

 

Slacker

I’ve really been slacking these past couple of weeks. So this morning when I got up to weigh myself, I thought for sure that I was up to at least 134, btu surprisingly I was down to 128.7. Now it the hard part. Getting below that. This is one plateau that I just can’t seem to get off of! It drives me nuts because it seems like forever that I’ve wanted my next GW to be 125 and a realistic UGW at 119 for a 5’9″ mom. Of course, as we all know those numbers change as we get to them and just keep going lower and lower because when we look in the mirror all we see staring back at us is a 300 pound heffer! I’d love to tone up, but lets face it, I’m too lazy so I’ll just starve instead :/ Isn’t that sad? Anyway, before I get too depressed, I’ve decided to fast today. Waking up to a lower number than I expect always kind of kicks my determination into gear. It’s almost like “Wow, look, you’re starting out good, how much lower can you go in 24 hours?” Plus I work tonight and I want to wear something that probably is tight or shows my stomach and I’d hate to be bloated. Also, one of the girls I work with thinks she’s hot shit & going to move to Miami and blah blah blah..but in reality, she’s NOT. She’s not even that pretty, her teeth are messed up, and hate to break it to ya hunni, but since your breakup with your douchebag, metro BF, yuo’ve gained some weight..and I’m gonna go ahead and rub it in her face. Even though I don’t think I’m skinny, I’m definitely skinnier than her and I want to make sure she knows it.

OK I realize I’m sounding like a major bitch right there, and I’m tooootally not in person, but it kinda pumps me up to be thinking that. Also helps me fight away those cravings, so I’m gonna go ahead & be an online bully lol!

And lucky you! I’m in the mood to post some thinspo. Not sure how much bc I’m at work at my boss could come back at anytime, so lets get it started & hope for a long post 🙂

Pinned Image

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love these outfitsHad to add this because I’m just SO bad at picking out outfits for myself 😦 I need to start pinning more of these then making a list when I got shopping and tell myself what to buy, so I can put together cute outfits like this. No more shopping for me til 125! NONE!…Good way to sae money, bc I’m never gonna get there. I want to be there by September 9, that’s Jade’s birthday. That’s almost 2 months. There is no reason I shouldn’ tbe able to get there.

by Gorges Schmidt

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Gimme! #thinspo

Reem Acra Ruffled Strapless Cocktail Dress

ultra-sultry babydoll set

sea foam green camisoleShe looks so young and happy

//

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RomanticJourneys

Nude

casual

thinspo

thinspo

. thinspo

thinspoI wish I could get that look with my hair

thinspo!

Well I suppose that’s all for today. I’m pretty bored, but managed to make it past lunch with no problem. Leaving work here in about 2 hours, then to pick up my Jade-y girl and home. Hopefully I can convince her that a nap is a good idea before mommy has to go to job number 2. I know I could do something smarter like pick up my wii zumba and do a little workout, but I hate working out when people are home, I feel like an idiot. Also, if I stay downstairs for too long, I know I’m going to wander into the kitchen and binge out!..No way am I letting THAT happen today. Usually if I can make it to about 2pm I’m good for the day as long as I’m working at night.

And on that note, I’m just gonna go ahead and high-five myself because I think I’m a pretty great mom. Yes, I would like to be around my child more, but I have to make sacrafices to insure that she and I can have shoes on our feet and food on the table. Nothing in this world has ever been able to drag me away from this horrible disease like the 9 months I was pregnant with her and the 3-4 months afterward that I breastfed. I ate the nutrition that I knew she and I needed and maintained a healthy diet FOR HER! Granted, I’m back to my old ways now, but it is in no way affecting her. I work 2 jobs and go to school. Right now I only have one summer school class, but it’s pretty tough, thats why I took it in summer when that would be the only class I would have to focus on. I take her to day care every day and pick her up and hold her and kiss her for as long as her squirmy little butt will let me. High-five, Self. For actually doing something RIGHT for once!

Choosing battles

I talked to a couple of friends about Jay after I found those texts and they actually had some good advice..unlike some of my old “Friends” who would listen for 30 seconds about MY problems, then turn the whole conversation back to themselves. My friend Kelly basically told me to choose my battles. I really like him and letting him know I went through his phone this early in our relationship would basically turn it to shit. I’m not sure if anyone that follows me on here can identify with this, if not, GREAT, but back in the day when I used to get fucked up constantly to avoid daily life I was turning to pain killers too. Not ever a desperate attempt to find them, just occasionallywhen friends had them & we were all getting fucked up together, but eventually I started doing 30’s not a whole one, but usually 1/2 & even then I would puke my guts up 20 minutes later..Ugh I hate talking about this! How did I ever let myself get that way!?!! I’m so glad that’s not me anymore!…but anyway, back to the story. So I would do the 30s and never even think twice about saying no to something lower mg like a 7.5 or a 10 and that’s what gets me about the texts Jay was sending & recieving. They were all for low mg beans when he used to do 30s 40s & 80s…Even now if I wanted to do pills, I’d still decline something low like that, so that makes me wonder if he was really getting them for himself :/ I just wish I knew what to do. He said his back has been hurting lately, but my question is: Why not go to the doctor? DUH! I’m just scared he’s going to get busted and then when everyone sees his name in the newspaper, they’re going to be like “Ohhh, Sara’s bf was a fucking addict/dealer and she brought that fool around her daughter?!!” But all in all, right now I’m just going to let it go and kind of keep watch for the things that he’s doing, how he’s acting, etc. 😦 I want this to work, he’s an amazing guy, but I’m not going to put myself out there to have drugs chosen over me and my family. It won’t be a fight, it will just be the end. My number 1 priorities are my daughter and our future.

On that note, I need to get my ass in gear and start doing some ab workouts. I meant to bring my jump rope to work because the ceilings are tall enough for it. I know everyone laughs at me for jumping rope, but I swear by it. I’d also like to start taking bee pollen again, but I’m embarassed to buy it because I know the distributors are like wtf does she want this for, she’s not that big..and they’re right, I’m not THAT big, but I’m not small either. I would try & get it mailed but I’m still living at home and i know my parents would get the box & freak out. I’m planning on wearing a pretty tight top to work tomorrow, so I’m not eating today, but idk if that’s going to be enough. I binged yesterday and had buffalo chicken cheese fries for lunch..a HUGE platter that I ate nearly 1/2 of and a hotdog with mac & cheese for dinner late last night. I also need to STOP drinking pop!!!! I usually choose the diet if it’s available, but water is a much smarter option. Eating is becomming more of a habit than a need for me lately and I need to snap out of that quick, especially since Jade’s 1st birthday is coming up and all other moms of kids her age are posting self-pics on facebook about how good they look..yeahh 😦

I gotta snap outta this depression before it eats me alive 😦

LIAR!!

So…I don’t know why I did, but I guess it’s just one of thsoe things girlfriends do. I went through my boyfriend’s phone because he left it in the office…No I didn’t find messages from girls and blah blah blah, but I think he’s still doing pills. He told me he used to but said that he’s clean. I can’t have that shit around me. I can’t have that shit around MY DAUGHTER! I can’t believe he’s lied to me. If he gets caught with this shit, he will lose his job. I’m at a loss for what to do. I just have no idea. I don’t want to approach him about it because how exactly would I start that? “Ummm, I was going through your phone and…” uhh yeah.