I talked to a couple of friends about Jay after I found those texts and they actually had some good advice..unlike some of my old “Friends” who would listen for 30 seconds about MY problems, then turn the whole conversation back to themselves. My friend Kelly basically told me to choose my battles. I really like him and letting him know I went through his phone this early in our relationship would basically turn it to shit. I’m not sure if anyone that follows me on here can identify with this, if not, GREAT, but back in the day when I used to get fucked up constantly to avoid daily life I was turning to pain killers too. Not ever a desperate attempt to find them, just occasionallywhen friends had them & we were all getting fucked up together, but eventually I started doing 30’s not a whole one, but usually 1/2 & even then I would puke my guts up 20 minutes later..Ugh I hate talking about this! How did I ever let myself get that way!?!! I’m so glad that’s not me anymore!…but anyway, back to the story. So I would do the 30s and never even think twice about saying no to something lower mg like a 7.5 or a 10 and that’s what gets me about the texts Jay was sending & recieving. They were all for low mg beans when he used to do 30s 40s & 80s…Even now if I wanted to do pills, I’d still decline something low like that, so that makes me wonder if he was really getting them for himself I just wish I knew what to do. He said his back has been hurting lately, but my question is: Why not go to the doctor? DUH! I’m just scared he’s going to get busted and then when everyone sees his name in the newspaper, they’re going to be like “Ohhh, Sara’s bf was a fucking addict/dealer and she brought that fool around her daughter?!!” But all in all, right now I’m just going to let it go and kind of keep watch for the things that he’s doing, how he’s acting, etc. 😦 I want this to work, he’s an amazing guy, but I’m not going to put myself out there to have drugs chosen over me and my family. It won’t be a fight, it will just be the end. My number 1 priorities are my daughter and our future.
On that note, I need to get my ass in gear and start doing some ab workouts. I meant to bring my jump rope to work because the ceilings are tall enough for it. I know everyone laughs at me for jumping rope, but I swear by it. I’d also like to start taking bee pollen again, but I’m embarassed to buy it because I know the distributors are like wtf does she want this for, she’s not that big..and they’re right, I’m not THAT big, but I’m not small either. I would try & get it mailed but I’m still living at home and i know my parents would get the box & freak out. I’m planning on wearing a pretty tight top to work tomorrow, so I’m not eating today, but idk if that’s going to be enough. I binged yesterday and had buffalo chicken cheese fries for lunch..a HUGE platter that I ate nearly 1/2 of and a hotdog with mac & cheese for dinner late last night. I also need to STOP drinking pop!!!! I usually choose the diet if it’s available, but water is a much smarter option. Eating is becomming more of a habit than a need for me lately and I need to snap out of that quick, especially since Jade’s 1st birthday is coming up and all other moms of kids her age are posting self-pics on facebook about how good they look..yeahh 😦
I gotta snap outta this depression before it eats me alive 😦