At my LW

I’m currently at my LW which is 123..well lowest weight since high school…and that’s like 5 years ago 😦 I can’t believe how fast time has passed.

I’ve had a really bad day today…which in turn helped with my fast, so I guess I can’t complain too much 😦

First, I forgot my book for class today, which is usually no big deal bc my teacher NEVER calls on me..but today he did and he made a big scene. 2. I’m so behind on my HW which is no one’s fault but mine. Lastly, but certainly not least (here comes the vent). You know how I told you all that my bf wanted to take me & the baby camping this weekend leave home thurs, return home sunday early afteronon…well turns out I ended up getting scehduled for work this friday night. At first, I was just going to call off and be “sick” because our shift was already pretty busy with servers, but then I looked at the schedule today and it’s a band night, so I knew I couldn’t leave my workplace out to hang like that. So I asked one of the girls on saturday night if she would switch me (1. that will probably make me make $100 less that night 2. That sucks for my mom who will be watching the baby, bc she wants to go to the fair and now she will have to take Jade with her…even though she said it was okay I still feel bad) So I tell my bf when he comes into the bar tonight, that I no longer work friday, but got it changed to saturday, so now Jade and I can drive down separately on thursday, stay that night and friday night then come home mid afternoon on satuday..The look on his face (which I thought was going to be happy) was the complete opposite 😦 He said “That’s a long way to go for just that time” and I tred to explain that it wasn’t that far & we’d still be there for 2 nights and nearly 3 whole days. It would be nice to have some alone time with the 3 of us. “But I don’t even think I’ll be able to get off thurdsday or even friday!” he said…When he told me earlier this week, he already said he told his dad he was taking off. “We’ll just forget this weekend.” Then he gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of my shift. When my shift was over, I thought for sure he would leave before I finished counting my drawer, but he didn’t, so i sat with him for about 5 minutes and he didn’t really say anything at all and just gave me short answers. Finally I said I was leaving and he headed out at the same time and didn’t even kiss me like he usually does, just a quick peck. Around 9:45 I texted him that I was going to bed & said “good night :*” ..he never texted back…

Why can’t he just act like an adult?! He’s almost 27 freaking years old andhe acts like a teenage girl sometimes. I’m sorry that I don’t make $24 an hour like you and constantly get double time. I’m sorry that I have to work 2 jobs to fend for myself and make sure my child has all that she needs, but she comes first!! I’m sorrythat I’m under so much stress and under so much pressure from myself and others that you could not ever begin to underastnad or comprehend hbecause I hide it all so well from EVERYONE..literally everyone. NO ONE knows my secrets…then again I guess it’s easy to keep secrets when you have no friends to share them with. I’m sorry that you don’t know that I haven’t eaten in 3 days and 3 days before that it was another 2 days without a single fucking calorie. I’m sorry that I hate that you don’t even notice I’ve lost nearly 7 lbs in somewhere around 2 weeks. I’m sorry that you don’t know I’ve already began planning our future and I’m sorry that I think I love you, but I’m also sorry that I’m not sure what love is, therefore I’m sorry that I haven’t told you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you would never understand. I’m sorry.

If anyone even knew how long I’ve been dealing with all this, I think they’d be surprised I’m still alive. I almost wish Jay and I would break up, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about being tied down. I think Jade and i need to get out of this town. I think we need to go pretty far away. I can see myself with Jay..but I just don’t know if things would ever be “right” I think I’m forcing a future because he’s been good to Jade and I so far.

I do not like the way I feel today. Empty in so many more ways than one.

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