I was just thinking today about how much stuff I used to do on my own. Travel, sip coffee at the local coffee shop, walk around campus, take a hike. Now I do nothing alone. Jade turned 1 on Sunday. Crazy how fast this years gone. But I feel like I need a little get away. I need to hope a train, bus, plane, anything ALONE to be able to gather myself for a breif moment. I don’t need long. Just a day or two. More would be welcome, of course. Jade and I will be home alone this whole weekend, so that’s 3 days, 2 nights of just quiet (except for baby jibber-jabber) That will be nice. I wish it was colder outside. I’m probably the only person who EVER wishes that, but there’s just something about sitting on my porch in an oversized sweatshirt with a cup of coffee and a cigarette watching the heaty fog rise out of the mug. The chilled air biting my nose and ears. I can’t get enough of that. It’s easier to feel alone when the sun isn’t shining so brightly.
My mind is just fucked. Sometimes I travel to this make believe place of nothing and it seems almost like a paradise until I get trapped there and spend days upon weeks trying to drag myself out of the hell that I’ve created in my own head. I was 122.4 again this morning. I have no reason to eat this weekend since no one will be home to watch me. I can be 117 by monday if I actually TRY. Really, I don’t even have to try, I just have to keep my hands out of the fridge. It shouldn’t be too hard. I’m going to catch up on sleep this weekend. When Jade sleeps, I’ll sleep. I need to clean a bit too. And I promised myself that if I worked out at least 3 times a week until October 1st, I’d buy myself a tanning package to be tan for halloween.