And its been a while…

Last time I wrote, Jade had just turned 1. She turns 4 next Wednesday.

I’ve survived. I’m going on 27 and I’m still alive and I know I shouldn’t be.

I read a statistic once. It said “The number of anorexics over the age of 23 is staggering. They’ve all either recovered..or died.” So what does that make me? I go through periods of weeks/ months living a “Normal” life with “Normal” eating habits and I almost convince myself that I’m okay. I’m not. I’m not okay and I’ll probably never be okay.

I am better in certain aspects though. And big ones. I haven’t thought about suicide in years. I think the drugs and alcohol abuse had a big influence on that one.

I still don’t feel good about myself though. I feel like I need some sort of validation. I would be nice to be noticed. It was nice being noticed when I was at my LW of 107. That was nice. That was really nice. I haven’t weighed in quite some time, but I would imagine that I’m back up close to 130.

I feel like I’m stuck.

I got a full time job. A teacher. Crazy, right? How am I supposed to teach kids about health and wellness when I’m batshit crazy myself? I keep telling myself that it’s temporary. I’ve set a goal for Jade and I to be in our own home by next Christmas. I tell myself that life will be better when it’s just the 2 of us. ..But I say that all the time “Life will be better if…” “Life will be better when…” Truth is, its not going to get better. This is just the way it is. It can certainly be worse, so I’m not cursing it..but that’s just the way it is.

Jay and I broke up about 2 Christmases ago. It was just some rocky shit. I feel like I can blame both of us. Me for not opening up and him for not trying to get in. We didn’t talk. He has a baby on the way with his new GF. So that makes it official then. Every since one of my exes is either married or has a baby. And the sad part is nearly all of these relationships happened right after they broke up with me. Whats that movie? Good luck Chuck? I guess that’s me.

I still think about Jade’s dad. ALL the time. Its stupid of me to think that anything will even change. I try to avoid the thought of him during the day, but I can’t control my dreams. I don’t want him. I know I don’t want him. He’s an ignorant alcoholic with truthfully nothing going for him. I do wish that he was open to having Jade in his life though. He’s never spoken to her. He doesn’t want to. He thinks that’s what is best for her. I don’t see where it is his right to make that decision. How is it best for a child to know that her father never wants to speak to her? What does that say to a little mind? Daddy doesn’t love me, Daddy doesn’t want me. Luckily she hasn’t asked, but I don’t see the questions being far off. What do I say to her? I’m not going to lie to her. I refuse to be the bad guy. If she’s asks, I suppose I’ll just tell her that he is in California..or at least I think that’s where he is. I’m honestly not really sure.

I just don’t ever want her to hurt like I hurt.

I remember when I was pregnant that I told my mom that I was scared to have a baby. Not scared of the actual birth or even raising one, but just scared that she would turn out just like me. I still worry about that. But I’ve also vowed to never be like my parents in the sense that the lines of communication were always closed. I want her to feel like she can talk to me. my mother never talked to me. Not about anything important at least. I got the period talk. That was about it.

She never even noticed me losing weight. 152 to 130 in just a couple months. How do you not notice that on a highschool girl? then again after I had Jade. 170-107. 60 pounds mom! SIXTY. SIXTY FREAKING POUNDS AND YOU DIDN”T SAY ANYTHING BESIDES “Girls with no fat, have no boobs.” Really mom? Really?! How about something more along the lines of “Is everything okay?” or “Do we need to get you some help” or “Maybe you should see a doctor” I just need to know mom, how did you not know something was wrong with me? How did no one notice? Not my boyfriend, not my family, not my 1 friend, not my teachers. And people wonder why people like me feel invisible.

I don’t know that I’ll ever feel whole. I want success. I want stability. I want a friend and someone to love. I want to get off of this sinking ship and stop jumping from depression, to anxiety, to manic behaviors, to eating issues. I just want all of it to stop.

With my new job, I’ll have insurance. I really considering going to see a therapist. I don’t want to be pserscibed any drugs. I don’t trust myself with them. not any kind. I don’t even like to take Tylenol any more.

I need to find a partner. I have never been one to “need” a man, but its time. Its time to start a family. I think I can do it right this time. Openness and honesty. I’m not scared like I used to be. No more ‘Oh jeez, what if he doesn’t like me??’ Now its, who cares. If he doesn’t like me, we’ll move on. And if stuff isn’t going right, it needs to be discussed. Not just bottled up. I don’t even go anywhere or do anything to meet people, though. That’s part of the problem. Theres just not much to do in my town. Tomorrow, there is a college football game though. I’ll go to that and maybe mingle. It’s a start.


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