Christmas Tears

So, yesterday I found out Sean and his wife are expecting. My heart immediately dropped. How can he be so excited about another child when he has never even seen or spoken to one that is 4 years old? He does not have to have anything to do with me, but it is not at all fair to Jade. I really never thought they would have children. He is 30 now and she is somewhere around 35. I thought that was a little old for her to be having her first child. Not only do I have to some day describe to Jade that he dad wanted nothing to do with her, but now I also have to explain to her that her dad and his wife have another child that they love and take care of. She will have a little brother or sister that she will never know.

So badly, I want to post this on my facebook just to mainly have people be like WTF?! or to lend me some words of encouragement, but I won’t. I never do. I can’t/ wont air my dirty laundry on social media. I haven’t told my family yet. They just don’t understand. My mother still secretly thinks he will come running back some day. Fuck that. And this just isn’t something I could talk to my dad about, so instead I just keep it inside. Bundled tightly, deep, deep down in the crevices of my soul, so that only I feel the pain. It will hurt for a while, but in a week or 2, I’ll stop crying myself to sleep, and in 6 months or so, there will probably be a day that will pass without me thinking of this. And then maybe in a year it won’t hurt as bad. But right now it hurts like hell. It takes the breath right out of me and I go through my days in a haze. I know that at some point in this life, I have done something to deserve this. Karma at its finest I suppose. I just how that I have never ever made anyone feel this way, slammed that with such hurt that they feel like they will never be whole again.

I wrote him a letter. Another letter that will go unread. Another letter that will never get stamped or sent across an ocean. Another letter that will never make a difference.

I’ve never asked anything of you, but I need to make an exception. I need to ask you to remember I did it alone. While together you went out to buy the pregnancy test and held hands waiting patiently for that little line to appear, remember, I did that alone. Alone and scared. What is about to be the most incredible moment for the 2 of you, was the most petrifying for me. Alone. That first doctors appointment, you go together, hold her hand as she walks up the steps, open the door to the office with her. You stand over her, brushing her hair as the doctor searches for that first heartbeat. Together you smile. I did that alone. Alone and embarrassed. You hold her hair when she’s sick, do everything in your power to make her feel better. You drive to the store for ginger ale and peppermint, then back out again for the ice cream she didn’t know she wanted the first time. I did this alone. Together you add items to the registry and make never ending lists of names to bounce back and forth. I did this alone. You spend hours designing the perfect nursery, assembling the crib and the swim and the bouncer and the changing table and don’t forget The dresser. Together you made it happen. I did this alone.
I spent hours in the exam room alone when they couldn’t detect movement. Alone and scared. I traveled alone by ambulance to the hospital. Alone. I checked myself in, alone, for induction. I spent the night by myself wondering what tomorrow would bring. I wandered to the labor room, nothing but the IV in tow. I took the news alone when they told me there were problems with the heart rate and alone I delivered our baby by emergency C-section. Our baby lay alone in the nursery while I lay alone 2 floors down in recovery praying that she was okay. Alone and in pain I got up and down several times a night to feed and change diapers.

So all that I ask of you while you are enjoying your time together is to remember. I did it alone.

 

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I can’t think of any good things to write. Not a single good thing at all.

Liz got married to the man of her dreams, so she is still reigning as the golden child. They aren’t coming home for Christmas. That has mom in a shit mood. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth is like poison. I choose to just not speak to her. I don’t even like to look at her.

Ricky died of an overdose. I didn’t even go to his funeral. I’m not sure how I would have handled it. I chose to work for a bonus instead. Even when I was making the decision, I knew which one I SHOULD have chosen. Maybe that was part of my karma.

Jay met a girl, a bartender. Yeah, you know, the one who wanted to break up if I was going to continue to tend bar. They ended up pregnant not long after. She just had her baby. She seems happy. They have a home that is all decked out for Christmas. I really should stop searching up these people on facebook.

I am working, but I’m not making shit. I do like my job okay. I don’t love it, but its fine. Its enough. Last year, I wanted to be in our own home for Christmas. Clearly that wasn’t logical, nor did it work out. This year, it has to happen. I can’t fucking deal any longer. Every second I spend in this spiteful home kills me a little more. It starts fights between my parents and I and even worse, it causes tension between Jade and I. She is doing really well in pageants, but we are going to have to stop doing them in order to save up. I know what I want to do, and I know what is right and they’re not the same thing. Perhaps, I should do what is right for once and use my damn head. I need to make a budget. We will have to take out a massive loan, or probably rent. I’m not grossing much profit now that I’m taking classes as well. More than 1 whole paycheck goes to classes. Mother said it was always in her plan to help pay for grad school. Fuck you. I know they’ll foot the bill for Liz’s though. I cannot ask them. I will not ask them. And I probably would not even consider accepting, but fuck! I could take these classes, saving up money to get the fuck out of here. When I graduate, I will be making more money, so that would be even more of a savings. Maybe I could even get with some kind of home assistance buying plan that would help me out. I just know that I cannot make it much longer in this toxic household. I will die.

It felt good to write again. I will have to keep up.

My weight has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I don’t want to relapse. I just need to plan better. But right now I’m above 130 and I haven’t been that heavy since losing baby weight. I need to get back down to 120. That is perfectly acceptable, although 115 would be preferable. Those are totally reasonable weight loss goals. No need to starve or make myself purge. I just need to plan and exercise a little. No more night time snacking will make a huge difference. I really do not want to just let myself go.