Trying

I’m trying. I really am.

I made it through Christmas and into the new year. Barely. Jade is being super whiney and weird. I think its because she’s off schedule and bored. I’ll have to do something special with just her tomorrow.

I’m trying not to compare myself to others, but it just keeps happening. I’m bitter. So bitter.

Yesterday we saw and old friend’s mother while grocery shopping. My mother was with Jade and I, as well. Friend’s mother: Yes, Son 1 is married. Son 2 is graduating with his PhD in May, Daughter 1 is engaged and working for a large software firm, Daughter 2 is getting married in March. How is Liz doing? (My sister) Mother raves on about how they are living in CT, she has a job at a fancy smancy golf resort and how her husband works for a large broadcasting firm and how beautiful their wedding was and blah blah blah. Not once a single comment about me. Nothing. No, I don’t have a somewhat successful design business/hobby. No, I didn’t just graduate with honors. No, I didn’t just receive my first full time job. No, I’m not pursuing my masters…I know there is nothing special about be, but she didn’t even ask what was going on in my life and my mother didn’t even hesitate to pretend like I didn’t even exist. I know she didn’t do it intentionally, but fuck I was standing right there. I should know by now that no one besides myself will ever be proud of me, so I just need to get over it and start praising myself, or at least standing up for myself.

I saw that Jay proposed to his baby momma. They’ve been together less than a year. She posted it on facebook. Part of me wants to be happy for them while the other part of me says “That should’ve been you.” I say that to myself a lot. “That should’ve/could’ve been you.” Now every ex I have ever dated is Married/engaged and either has a child or a child on the way. Seriously, how that fuck SHOULD that make me feel? Because honestly, I just feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve been left behind. People around me are moving on and moving forward and that will never be me.

My parents found out the other day that they only have like 1-2 more payments left on the house until they’ve paid it off. I’ve come to the harsh realization that I’m never going to be able to be a home owner. I will never make enough money to have my own home, let alone be able to ever pay it off within my lifetime. I am as broke as I’ve ever been. Trying to sell things left and right to be able to make the ends meet. Classes are costing me SO much and its not even going to be worth it in the long run. But I can’t quit because I always quit and then they’ll just say, yeah she had it, but then she quit. Even though its not going to be worth what I’m putting into it, it’ll just be one more thing for me to fail at.

Today Jade was upset with me because I wouldn’t help her pick up her toys. She said “I thought you were a good mom to me!” I wanted to scream and cry and yell at her all at once. Everything I have ever done has been for her. I’ve worked my ass off just to be able to provide for her. I know she just said that out of anger and has no clue about the bigger picture, but it hurt SO bad.

I’m so lonely. I truly have no one that I can spill my guts to. I have Courtney, but I feel bad for trying to bring my problems to her.

I want to tell myself that this year is going to be better. I want to set the goal for us to have our own home this year. I am begging for it to happen. I need more money. We’re going to have to stop pageants. Its the smart thing to do. I hope Marleigh wins big this month. It would be so great for her to take the top prize and ‘retire’ for a year..or forever. If she doesn’t do well, and we quit, people will just think its because I’m mad she didn’t do well.

I just wish there was a way for me to make more money. I barely have time to sew and design, and its not that lucrative for me anyway because I’m not that good. I need lots of practice, but I don’t have time to practice…So yeah I’m stuck.

Tomorrow’s agenda:

Clean your fucking room you damn slob.

Finish your homework.

Make the purple dress

Sew the skirt on the wedding dress.

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