Choosing battles

I talked to a couple of friends about Jay after I found those texts and they actually had some good advice..unlike some of my old “Friends” who would listen for 30 seconds about MY problems, then turn the whole conversation back to themselves. My friend Kelly basically told me to choose my battles. I really like him and letting him know I went through his phone this early in our relationship would basically turn it to shit. I’m not sure if anyone that follows me on here can identify with this, if not, GREAT, but back in the day when I used to get fucked up constantly to avoid daily life I was turning to pain killers too. Not ever a desperate attempt to find them, just occasionallywhen friends had them & we were all getting fucked up together, but eventually I started doing 30’s not a whole one, but usually 1/2 & even then I would puke my guts up 20 minutes later..Ugh I hate talking about this! How did I ever let myself get that way!?!! I’m so glad that’s not me anymore!…but anyway, back to the story. So I would do the 30s and never even think twice about saying no to something lower mg like a 7.5 or a 10 and that’s what gets me about the texts Jay was sending & recieving. They were all for low mg beans when he used to do 30s 40s & 80s…Even now if I wanted to do pills, I’d still decline something low like that, so that makes me wonder if he was really getting them for himself :/ I just wish I knew what to do. He said his back has been hurting lately, but my question is: Why not go to the doctor? DUH! I’m just scared he’s going to get busted and then when everyone sees his name in the newspaper, they’re going to be like “Ohhh, Sara’s bf was a fucking addict/dealer and she brought that fool around her daughter?!!” But all in all, right now I’m just going to let it go and kind of keep watch for the things that he’s doing, how he’s acting, etc. 😦 I want this to work, he’s an amazing guy, but I’m not going to put myself out there to have drugs chosen over me and my family. It won’t be a fight, it will just be the end. My number 1 priorities are my daughter and our future.

On that note, I need to get my ass in gear and start doing some ab workouts. I meant to bring my jump rope to work because the ceilings are tall enough for it. I know everyone laughs at me for jumping rope, but I swear by it. I’d also like to start taking bee pollen again, but I’m embarassed to buy it because I know the distributors are like wtf does she want this for, she’s not that big..and they’re right, I’m not THAT big, but I’m not small either. I would try & get it mailed but I’m still living at home and i know my parents would get the box & freak out. I’m planning on wearing a pretty tight top to work tomorrow, so I’m not eating today, but idk if that’s going to be enough. I binged yesterday and had buffalo chicken cheese fries for lunch..a HUGE platter that I ate nearly 1/2 of and a hotdog with mac & cheese for dinner late last night. I also need to STOP drinking pop!!!! I usually choose the diet if it’s available, but water is a much smarter option. Eating is becomming more of a habit than a need for me lately and I need to snap out of that quick, especially since Jade’s 1st birthday is coming up and all other moms of kids her age are posting self-pics on facebook about how good they look..yeahh 😦

I gotta snap outta this depression before it eats me alive 😦

LIAR!!

So…I don’t know why I did, but I guess it’s just one of thsoe things girlfriends do. I went through my boyfriend’s phone because he left it in the office…No I didn’t find messages from girls and blah blah blah, but I think he’s still doing pills. He told me he used to but said that he’s clean. I can’t have that shit around me. I can’t have that shit around MY DAUGHTER! I can’t believe he’s lied to me. If he gets caught with this shit, he will lose his job. I’m at a loss for what to do. I just have no idea. I don’t want to approach him about it because how exactly would I start that? “Ummm, I was going through your phone and…” uhh yeah.

Holding on to that dreaded 129 for weeks now it seems. I cannot complain too much. It’s the smallest I’ve been since highschool & that was nearly 6 years ago. But I am so close to my 2gw of 125! My dad’s 60th birthday party is next weekend. The 30th and we are having a huge party at our house. I would LOVE to be 125 by then because most of these people haven’t seen me since I was pregnant or before. I have no real reason to impress them or anything, but in a stuck-up sort of way I jsut long for those comments of “she looks so good!” & “There’s no way she’s had a baby” Once I reach 125 I’m going to work on my toning. I need to have some definition, but I want to be as lean as I can before I start that.

I bought another tanning package last week and I’ve only laid 3 times. SInce I’m working 2 jobs now, I have the money, but I hate seeing it go to waste, but I just really don’t have the time at all! I’d like to try to go after work this evening before I go to my other job, but I just don’t see me getting out of my 1st job early enough before I have to pick up the baby and get home to get ready for #2. Maybe I can make it around 8:30 or so after I’m off at the bar. I don’t really like tanning, but it boosts my confidence, really helps with this stubborn acne that I CANNOT get rid of!, and I think it makes me look skinnier too.

Stuff in the boy department is wierd. Jay & I have been “officially” together since January and we haven’t even had like a serious makeout session yet. I think he’s a little shy and well, I am too when I’m not wasted lol. I think I’m finally over drinking and partying. I just cannot handle the hangovers now that I’m older UGH! But I’m scared that he’s going to get bored with this little “relationship” if you really want to call it that. We had planned to go to a race next weekend in KY where we would spend a night in a hotel room, but now that my mom planned my dad a party, I really don’t want to be a bitch and miss it. I’m planning to take him on a white water rafting/camping trip for his birthday, but that’s not til august :/ I don’t need sex to be happy in a relationship, but I DO need my significant other to show SOME type of affection. I mean, he rarely ever even kisses me. I need to start getting myself back to sexy. I need to tan, workout, do my hair & make up, get some new clothes and make myself irresistable to him. I mean, I hate when a guy is insistent on being all over me ALL the time sometimes it gets annoying, but DAMN at least show me that you have some interest in me. :/ Maybe he doesn’t like me like he used to. Yep. Time to get my shit in gear and get HOT!

I’m kinda just picking up these posts from others

Pinned Image

Looked pretty darn good at the bikini party at work. I was the only bartender that kept my shorts on (bikini top & short shorts) for the simple fact that I was NOT going to degrade myself and act completely tasteless to make an extra buck. No one really said anything about it except for one person asking why I didn’t take mine off and when I told him it was because I thought it was tasteless and my morals wouldn’t let me he high fived me and said good for stickin’ to my guns. Anyway, one of the girls has TERRIBLE cellulite and the other one was walking around with a camel toe all night and I heard her say that she thought she was going to be the best looking and the customer she was talking to called me over and secretly told me I looked better than both of the other girls. I have to say, for once, I do think my body was better than any other girl working there..which doesn’t same much for them! I would’ve liked to be tanner and more defined, but I am happy that I was able to get down to a reasonable goal weight by my deadline.

Unfortunately, I completely gave up restricting and everything after the party and I can totally notice. How am I supposed to get to 125 if I eat like a pig. Another downside is that I’m quitting smoking. I’m tired of having addictions tying me down. I want to be free of all temptation, food and cigarettes included. I’m scared I’m going to start pigging out because I’m not smoking anymore, so I need to keep busy to keep my mind off of both. I need to go to the grocery store and pick up some of those hydroxycut drink mixes that I used to use all the time and also some healthy, low calorie things I can take for lunch to my second job.

Yes, that’s right. 2 jobs now. I was barely making it with one, so I had to pick up another and boy is it rough. Work 8:30-4, pick up the baby by 4:30, come home, make dinner, and get ready to leave for night job by 7:15-7:30.

Jade and I had to go in for paternity testing for the child support case against Sean. I’m anxious for it to come back, but I don’t know why. I know for a fact that he is the father and I have no idea why I’m nervous about the results.

Well I don’t want to get into it. I’m starting to lose my tan, so today I’m going to lay out in the sun for a while and then later this evening maybe shoot some basketball with Jay or go for a walk. I need to get back into running.

back to pre baby weight!

I guess they’re right when they say it takes 9 months to gain it 9 months to lose it..almost. I am back to 129 eight months later after gaining 54 pounds throughout my pregnancy. Which is great because I have to wear a BIKINI tonight to work :/ I am of course not exactly happy with the way I look, but I am going to look just as good if not better than the girls I am working with tonight..Unfortunately, they have the boobs that I don’t so everyone will just be looking at their “Assets” while they will be scanning over my entire body. And everyone knows there that I’ve had a kid, so they’re going to be extra critical. I know I would be if I was a customer. I hope that I get good reviews. For the past couple of days people have said things about me being skinny and looking great for just having a kid, but I’m wondering if they REALLY mean I look great, or if they are meaning that I look good FOR HAVING A KID..ya know? I’ve been doing pretty well with restricting. I avoid food all day and then usually have a somewhat normal meal for dinner. Next stop 125!

PICTURE!

I couldn’t figure out how to get it turned the right way.

Exactly 6 months after the birth of Jade. I know I’ve got a lot to work on still, but I’m only 6 pound away from where I was before I got pregant and gained 50 lbs 136.2. I’ve gotta get my ass in gear and start toning up. I’d love to have some ab, arm, and leg definition.

 

Home alone today, therefore I’m walking around in tight spandex workout shorts and a sports bra and making sure that if I get the urge to eat I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself til I decide to change my mind. I’m cleaning all day, gotta do something to keep busy while the kid is at day care. I need to stay away from the computer because xanga, pinterest, and facebook are slowly consuming me. I’ll pick Jade up around 1:30-2 and we’ll probably take a nap, til 4 ish, so then I just have to worry about the evening hours…which are of course the worst.

I start working back out at the bar on friday. I want to look good. I want to look nice in all of my old clothes, not like they’re painted on me and if I make a wrong move they’ll rip in 1/2. Saturday is st. patty’s day and I’m working 4-9. I bought a light green corset from Fredericks of Hollywood to wear. A corset could make an elephant look good, its just the places that aren’t laced up that I’m worried about. Arm pit fat (because it’s a tube top of course) and the love handles. I can avoid the love handles by wearing bigger jeans, but they just don’t make me look as nice as my tight skinny jeans, so this week I was determined to be about 5 lbs down. Already lost 2 over the past 2 days and I know the only weight I’m really going to be losing is waterweight/toxins, but if anything it will just make ME feel better. After I put a load of laundry in I’m going to plug in the wii and do some zumba or just dance, probably the dance because its more fun and I feel like its a great cardio workout. What do you think would be best?.,.hmm but I’m really craving a cig, ha! I gotta quit, so I can have longer more effective workouts!

The depression is beginning to set in again. I’m not sure exactly what triggers it. Could be stress. Nineteen hours this semester in school, tutoring four grade-schoolers 2 nights a week for two hours a piece, thankfully my extended learning class ends tomorrow evening, so that night can free up, never being able to relax..EVER, money troubles, trying to get back into work somehow (since I can’t think of a LEGAL get rick quick scheme), and Sean pulling a whole bunch of BS with child support, which I still haven’t recieved a dime of.

On the plus side..if there is a plus side to depression, this is typically when my rapid weightloss occurs. I am currently 10 lbs from where I was before I got pregnant. I lost 40 without doing anything at all. I haven’t worked out, haven’t paid much attention to diet except a couple times. I don’t think it will be hard for me to lose these next 10 lbs by just restricting. I’ve been overlaoding my body with so much shit especially in this past week, that I bet once I start to restrict my body will react favorably.

I gotta quit smoking too. I really do, but that can wait. But no more smoking in my new car!! I hate that it already smells! I’ll post a pic I took earlier this week sometime later tonight. Too many watching eyes in the library, and it’s quite bare.

almost made it

Well I didn’t quite make my goal of 140 by new years, but as of today, 6 days late. I am here. I thought it would feel a little more rewarding. 15 pounds in less than a month? I mean, yeah its baby weight, but I really don’t think that that is that much different from normal weight loss.

Can’t be trusted

Got lost in my own thoughts this morning and last night. Thoughts of 2 years ago being placed in the hospital  on suicide watch being treated for alcohold poisoning with a .44 blood alcohol level. I wasn’t trying to kill myself..at least I don’t think so. I can’t help but wonder what if I really did die. Its not that I want to die. My life is good..No, compared to what it has been, my life is great. I can’t help but get the feeling that I’m never going to be quite “right.” Normal. I can’t be trusted in my own head. My very own thoughts will be the death of me. Litterally and figuratively. I feel more alone than I’ve felt in a very long time. This feeling used to comfort me, but now it terrifies every cell in my body. I see here, chilled to the bone, while my precious angel sleeps so peacefully just one room away. Not tired, not crying, certainly not happy..just..Numb. It is very unsettling. I am scared. I am absolutely terrified..but of what? Thoughts of suicide never cross my mind anymore & even the thought of it just gets pushed to the wayside not even to be considered. I have accepted the fact that I am never going to be as thin or as beautiful as I want to be, but obviously it won’t stop me from trying. I guess in a way I fear school starting again next month, but I know I will get through it. I’m no longer scared that I will dissappoint people because I know my life will continue on..as mediocre as it may be. I’m not scared that I will never find love. I’ve pretty much given up on that too. I’ve lived 23 years with my heart locked up and I’m just fine. I guess maybe I’m scared that I can’t forget my past & as much as I try to outlive, outrun, erase it..I never will be able to. Those memories are burned into my brain, my heart, and engraved as scars into my skin. I’m scared that with the flip of a switch I could be back living that life. Dying that life. DYING that life.Dying.

The sun shines bright through the window panes casting and illuminating shadow of heat onto the floor. I sit for a while trying to thaw the chill that has radiated clear into my bones. It eventually disappears and with it, it takes the warmth. I think to move, to get up and move on about my day, but my head is so heavy, filled to the brim with thoughts that I remain motionless. The tick of the clock is the only reminder that the world is still spinning. I remind myself to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. I force myself to stand. Its only noon. Why can’t this day end?